Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in RedDragon999's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
2:22 pm	Breakfast With Belial Pt. 3 (I Think...) I came in and I sat down, he remarked how long it's been since we talked, but I didn't reply, I just nodded. He asked how I was and I can be honest with him, I told him I wasn't doin' so great. He just nodded. I can't remember what he ordered, I just plate of potato chips and my usual cup of water. "You gonna talk ?" he said reviewing the menu...I didn't wanna piss him off, so I decided to talk. "I'm afraid." I said. "No shit." he said, he didn't even bother to look in my direction, he's a smug asshole that way. "The real question is, of what." I just nodded. I realized my stomach was rumbling, picking up on this he simply said... "Eat something." "I'm thawing some chicken, hopefully I'll be able to cook it tonight." He just nodded. "You gonna tell me what ?" "Hrm?" I was being honest then, I really didn't hear his comment. So I asked him, "What'd you say ?" "Are you going to tell me what you're afraid of ?" This time he put the menu down and looked right into my eyes as he always does...the smug bastard. I rolled my eyes at him...I wasn't angry just distressed, frustrated, there so much I could talk about and picking one topic was proving to be difficult. "Take your time." he said, picking up the menu again, "it's your journal." I nodded. "I'll be right back." I said, getting up from the table. ... I came back and had a plate of some semblance of food, he just raised an eyebrow at me. "Pepperoni and Crackers is not food." he said...his dry tone of voice annoying me as always. "Can we just talk ?" I said. "You invited me and if you recall correctly I already asked you a question. What are you afraid of ?" That's right...he did...and I guess I stalled in answering it...I made myself a quick pepperoni and cracker sandwich and ate it to chew my answer over before I gave it to him...I swallowed and said... "Losing everything." "Everything ?" "Everything." "You are gonna lose everything idiot. Nothing lasts forever...not on Earth anyway." There was silence, we didn't say anything for awhile, I just munched crackers. "You're right..." "Of course I'm right. So seriously, what's your problem ?" "I guess, I feel like...what if I get there and I can't do it ?" "Bullshit." he said. "That's bullshit and you know it. Because you know good and damn well that nothing is as hard as it seems. You said so yourself. So again, what is your problem ?" "I don't know! There are you happy ?!" "The Remedy" came on by Abandoned Pools, the first line of song really sang to me, "I could use a shot of novacaine." I have no clue why it did but at that moment...it did. He snapped his fingers and my attention was back on him. "Sorry." I said..."Music, ya know ?" He smirked and nodded. "You're afraid to actually getting what you want Ugo. You and I both know this. You're afraid to try, because if you try and fail, it'll only confirm everything you've ever thought about yourself. That you're a nobody, a nothing , a fraud, a sham. You're afraid of getting screwed over in your business, you're afraid of being ignored and becoming an afterthought you're afraid of being a footnote. Isn't that you were afraid of with Amanda." "Damnit." I muttered under my breath, the bastard was right. I hate it when he's right. He leaned back in his chair, the waiter finally approached him and took his order, Shrimp Scampi, good choice. We sat in silence for awhile until the waiter returned with his food, he started to chow down immediately. I just sat there watching him eat. "Listen to me and you listen good. You written, what...35 graphic novels ?" "Actually I think it's in the upper 30's yeah...lemme check." He nodded and kept eating, I reached under my bed to grab my inventory sheet, I realized that my inventory sheet was actually in the folder on top of my printer. I took the folder and took out my inventory sheet and realized I was behind, so I filled it out...I was stunned when I reached the total. He sat there smiling. "How many ?" "48." I said, kinda smirking. "And that's not counting the 6 Spike and Omar books and the one Sutsiroll book. That'd put you in the 50's wouldn't it ?" "Yes it would." "Ugo," he said putting down his fork, "You're an amazing person. You are, I don't know why the hell you feel like you have to beat yourself up or be afraid. I have yet to see you fail." "I failed with Baines and Syther GTX." "Those were not failures ! Your artwork ability wasn't up to par with those stories yet. They're still great stories aren't they ?" "Yeah." "And you're not even done. You got 200 more stories rattling around in your brain waiting to be told don't you ?" "A few." "Stop doing this Oh woe as me bullshit. You won't be getting anywhere with that. Just focus. This Blue Myst card game can and will be done. You just need to focus and believe it. God did not give you all this creative ability for you to sit on your ass with. You just need focus. Focus on what you want in life." "It's not about what I want, it's about what they need." "Pan and Jiragin ?" "and Kim." I said. He nodded and took a few more bites of his food, I'd ask for a bite but it's all imaginary. He gave me a look...he knew what I was thinking. "Sorry." I said, The "I" word hurts him sometimes. The scripts are gonna come back and you'll have the copyrights to them, mail those out to Charles and see what he can do and in the mean time, prep your Blue Myst game, it's not that hard. You have a plan, instead of being a dumbass and trying to do everything by yourself which is gonna cost all the money you don't have, why not go the cheap/expensive route. You already have a plan Ugo, you know how to do this." I nodded. I agree with him. "The screenplays will sell and if they don't, they don't. At least someone out there will know who you are. But the game thing you do now. You don't even need to sink money into screenwriting, the game you can." "Right." I said. "Why are feeling down right now ?" He noticed I was starting to feel blue again, it always happens when someone tries to pep talk me. "Hey ! Dumbfuck, look at me !" He shouted. I looked. "Stop it." He pointed his fork at me. "I am fuckin' serious, stop it. Don't you fuckin' worry about those film conventions here, you'll get there when you get there. Right now, one thing at a time. August is almost upon us, so what are you gonna do ?" "What about my savings ?" "What the fuck are you saving for ? This is a part time job, you're not gonna be makin' mega bucks. Geez, that's your problem, you're trying to penny pinch and it's backfiring. The reason why you feel like you're losing money is because you're not making it fast enough. There is no quick fix, there is no lottery, a huge lump of cash isn't gonna fall into your lap without you doing something." "You're right." "Secondly, stop being so fuckin' personal about your work. Yes you created Blue Myst, but it can make you money. Take a risk. Use some of your savings and when you get the chance, do to the Secretary of State, take the test, get your permit, practice and pass the test. You came so close last time, you know where you screwed up, you had it going nicely until you screwed up. So just relax and be aware, but not self-aware." "Right, you really think I should spend my savings ?" "You could've done it a long time ago if you weren't so cheap, stop waiting for money and use the money you got now." "But--" "It can wait and she'll understand. Kim love you deeply, when are you gonna realize you don't have to chop off your legs to make her happy ? Stop shooting yourself in the foot to save money to see her. Geez, if she knew that's what you were saving for she's tell you not to herself." "...you're right." "Stop being idle. You do this Monday, you go to bed early and you get up early. And while you're at it, maybe you could stop by Kinkos and see how much lamination would cost, and maybe even buy Final Crisis since you've been bitching about it since forever." I gave him the middle finger, he chuckled. He knew I was starting to feel better. "Ugo, you have a part time job, a part time job is for bullshit like this, paying this and that. You can't save any money if you have things you need, like cellphone minutes and right now you're not in any danger there so no need to spend. But you do need a license, so be active." "Right." I said, this time I nodded, "What if I fail ?" "You'll pass it when you pass it Ugo, you can't control God's time table. If you don't pass it maybe you're weren't supposed to pass it then, BUT you'll never know unless you take it. Be active, stop being idle. Be active. Be active. Be active. Always be active. Split Second is almost finished, you already got scripts coming at you. Focus on the game, finish Split Second when you can. You follow ?" "I follow." "Why am I repeating myself so much ?" "I learn through repetition." He nodded. "Be active." I said. He nodded again. I stood up and paid the bill for breakfast as always, granted it's 3:26pm but when you're me, breakfast can be as late as 3pm...just no where after that. He thanked me for paying the bill, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (Belial's Italian I guess...). He gave me a pat on the back and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him again, breakfast was gonna be on him. I apologized for not coming to see him sooner, but he disregarded it and told me that I was just learning how to grow up. We said our Goodbyes and I left the diner. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "The Catalyst" by. Abandoned Pools (Comment on this)
Monday, April 28th, 2008
6:01 pm	Abyssus Abyssum Invocat >_< I honestly don't know how much I can stand...There is something I want to do but I have to wait for it...and there is something I am also waiting for...but I am unsure if it'll come or not...I'm leaning more towards the not...not to sound pessimistic it's just...if God has really decided to bless us with such an awesome gift...I will seriously have to question that guy's logic because I'll always be asking myself..."What did we do to deserve this, we suck !"...and because it's just too good to be true and you know what they say about things like that. I'd like to be positive...but...I don't know...I want to be...but it's just...I really need to stop trying to be everyone's hero. I think that's gonna end up killing me one day...I wanna help Genesis...I love her a lot...she said she believes in me and that I'm the strongest person she knows...which...is kind of a shame considering just how weak I know I really am. I always try and be there for them...ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, Claire, Genesis, Kimmy, Mariah...anyone who needs me, I AM THERE ! That kind of devotion really takes it toll on a person...and to be honest I have no clue why I do it...I mean of course I do it because I care...but at the same time...is there such a thing as caring too much ? Is that such a bad thing ? My brother would think so...>_>, I could tell him someone was going to commit suicide and his answer would be "Well, if they're gonna do it, then they're gonna do it...no sense in trying to stop them.". I'm sorry, I can't live like that, I see someone in pain, I want to help them or at least figure out what the problem is. If someone tells me they're having a bad day I am right there with "What's wrong ?" or "What's going on ?". I've learned that someone of the biggest problems can be solved by having someone to talk to, a kind ear who'll listen and offer some advice...I try to do that for everyone I can. But eventually...it starts to become a spiritual chore and a bit of a burden..not to say that I don't want to help them...but it just seems like I become addicted to trying to help people and eventually I grow to detest it and I slowly become selfish...and when I become selfish...I start to think of doing bad things...I hate to sound like I'm whining, I know I am...but I honestly wouldn't be tempted so much if my PS2 was working...I know that sounds stupid...but I am 100% serious. I always find myself saying "Nuts, I've been online WAY too much...I'm gonna go play some mortal kom....oh...right....my ps2 is broken !" It's healthy to have a buffer...a thing you do when you're not doing what you usually do. Something you can devote your attention to that doesn't take much thought. Kim suggested I should go and work on "Death Town" whenever I'm tempted but the problem is "Death Town" requires thought and a high level of attention that if I do not have will result in COSTLY problems and my own laziness. This is why "The Anti-Life Equation" was SO powerful, it required no thought and it was EASY, TOO EASY to bury yourself in. I hate to sound like I'm whining, but I do indeed spend too much time online, and whenever my brother takes over my computer (which is happening a LOT lately now that he's here)...I need a distraction and my PS2 was perfect. But I no longer have a buffer...which is why I'm online 24/7 and constantly seeking someone to talk to and someone to help...It's pathetic. But I realize my problem now...not my problem exactly but my inability...I have nothing mindless I can indulge myself in. I don't wanna sound like I'm whining...I really don't but let's me honest here ! EVERYONE has some stupid thing they indulge themselves in to forget about everything else, video games was mine. Tearing open the new Mortal Kombat and WWE game was like CRACK to me, but without that...I'm constantly seeking my distractions elsewhere...and that's NOT GOOD AT ALL ! Pray for me everyone, I love you all. Peace in Christ... __________________________________________________________________________________________ "I can learn to pity fools cause I'm the worst of all..." -Fall Out Boy, "Don't You Know Who I Think I Am", "Infinity On High" Current Music: "Don't You Know Who I Think I Am" By. Fall Out Boy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 13th, 2008
10:56 pm	Addicted Oh, you got me under your skin now How does it feel to be on this side You think it's so easy, that'll let you slide Oh No, you got a long way to go So listen up baby and I'll tell you You can't get rid of me until you say what I wanna hear and you'll see you had no reason to fear You're gonna get addicted to me This isn't easy you see So set me free Oh, you got me in your veins and you think you can quit Oh No baby, it's not that easy you little --- You think you're so great Call yourself tempting fate You're so small to me now and so big to me How Now the end draws ever so near and you'll see you had every reason to fear You're gonna get addicted to me This isn't easy you see So set me free Why did I let you in Why did I indulge this sin Abandoned everything else for you and then Everything is just is a loss No way you can win Quit now, DON'T LET ME IN You're gonna get addicted to me This isn't easy you see So set me free Current Music: "The Simpsons" in the background (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 17th, 2008
3:14 am	The Mastermind Pt. Five Damn, I am really loving my "The Mastermind" Series. It seems I have this song stuck in my head once again and once again it is trying to tell me something...what I have no clue, but it seems that the lyrics always reveal something new to me each time I listen to it. I don't know and I don't get it. Anyways, I've been doing some thinking in regards to my previous actions and MAN, I just can't believe how big of a fool I was. I'm not saying that just to self-deprecate here, I literally mean I was pretty much a dummy. I would go into detail about it but at the same time I think I'm gonna have to, so let's just cut out the middle man right ? Kiefer Sutherland said something that I agree with more and more each day I think about it: "Love is a self-manifested notion depending on how lonely you are - so if you're really attracted to someone, and you're really lonely, I think you can fall in love in an instant. It's all about where you're at." This is extremely true, and we can apply that same train of thought to my previous situation with Amanda. She was pretty much new to Arizona after moving their from California, she had her World of Warcraft, but I mean relocating is a BIG step and that's bound to cause some INSANE detachment issues from her friends, especially for a girl like her who HAS to be around her friends...and then on the other side of things is me, who pretty much stays home, Not because I'm afraid of people, just because I really have no desire to be elsewhere, and I am obviously a very lonely guy, and the internet is pretty much my bases for a having a social life... Is it possible that Amanda and I fell into that trap of being lonely at the same time ? Quite an explosive situation, but I hate thinking about it. Personally because the whole thing frustrates me to no end...Not because of her, no, she's still cool. It's actually because of me. Like all neurotic people, I am constantly wondering what if I did do something wrong and she didn't tell me ? What if this whole thing is indeed my fault ? There are certain details that draw me to that conclusion, but I barely know the innards for what I'm trying to figure out, so my entire neurotic nitpicking is just an exercise in futility and YET...it consumes me. I have never been good at Math...NEVER...and even simple math, hell 2 years ago I discovered I was actually adding the wrong way. You believe that ? Yeah, I was taught you add the same way you read, left to right...apparently that doesn't work on some equations as I discovered much to my unlimited embarrassment...>_>, so when it comes to adding up all my feeling and experiences the numbers never make sense and I am again left questioning EVERYTHING I've done. It's stupid really but I can't help it.I've tried to shrug it off, but in all honestly I can't help wondering if I did make a mistake and if I did indeed make a mistake...what's stopping me from making the same mistake again ? How can I fight it if I have no clue what I'm stopping. Ya know what...is all seriousness now and this is just now dawning on me...Amanda actually did give me a variant of the "It's not you, it's me" Speech...0_O...DAMN am I slow ! Or perhaps I'm just reading too much into everything...I suppose the second she started to get a social life in Arizona I don't think she had much use for me anymore. If my previous assessment was true, that she was in fact just lonely. Hrm...I suppose this will drive me nuts until however I fall madly in love with after her comes along and then we break up and then I bitch and moan about her until the next one and the next one.... But I'm being too optimistic...as if there will be a next one. No, not anytime soon I hope. I got too much stuff to take care of. But now, I've lost all motivation to get my driver's license. I mean let's face it, I don't go anywhere nor do I hang out, so honestly...>_>. I do understand that I'll have to get it anyways but...I just have no real driving force to get it. You see the clear difference here between Amanda and Liz is simple: Amanda and I actually had feelings for each other. Liz and I on the other hand...well I was crazy about her and she was just plain crazy, and yes I understand that I am writing this with FULL knowledge that'll probably end up reading it anyways, but I have nothing to hide and I'll say exactly what I want, when I want to say it, and if I don't want to say, I won't and she know that (Hi Liz.). As difficult as it was getting over Liz (although there was nothing to get over really seeing as how we never had anything), she and I were able to remain friends simply because that barrier was never tore down, and as much as I tried that wall wasn't coming down, I just had accept that and move on, and I did. However with Amanda that line of friends was already very thin to begin with...I mean once that wall came down just anything can happen, neither of us have a history with each other so theres the hint of mystery and BANG, relationship...and then the break-up and now at least we can stay friends. Does anyone see a problem with that equation ? We weren't friends to begin with in the first place. I mean don't get me wrong, we were cool and all but we we're friends exactly, so I ask you, how are we supposed to de-evolve ? How do you go up, just to go down ? It makes no sense. And that's getting a little bit hard to deal with. Like Last night, she posted some new pictures of herself and I was like "WHOA !...SHE LOOKS GOOD !" and yet in the back of my head I am always saying "That used to be mine...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEN ?!" Maybe that's the problem, I don't know. I'm running a lot of cylinders here because frankly, I'm horny believe it or not and I am NOT touching porn, and "Takin' care of business" was a lot easier when you had someone to focus on, so at the moment I'm just very crabby and kind of angry. I'm also frustrated about something else involving a friend of mine, and I won't elaborate anymore as to not release any of her personal business but I'm just very concerned about her...not in a physical sense, but more in a sense of...I wish I could help and I am wondering if I'm willing to offer the kind of help I'm thinking about, because it would be a VERY VERY VERY VERY MAJOR move for me to make, but the fact that the notion is there raises many of their own questions and it's just an odd idea to have in my head, and I wonder if I planted it there myself out of pity or is it a genuine thing. I don't know and frankly it's very late for me to be having such deep thoughts, but that's when they usually occur and once they start, I can either give into them or wake the next morning all moody and ready to punch someone. I should be getting my check by Monday (HOPEFULLY), I'm gonna hop the bus, buy some comics and just chill out ! Like seriously CHILL THE HELL OUT ! Perhaps sometime away from the internet would do me some good. Yeah...it seems like people are getting along just fine without me, Aaron and Tina are in love, well Genesis is doing better gradually, and I'd like to be there for Chris, but they don't need me to babysit them. Yeah... I guess I'll try to go a few days without being online and reconnect with myself. That's gonna be rough because TV really sucks ass lately ! I don't know, maybe I'll use that time to pray and NAP maybe...0_o who knows ! I might even take a nap. Yeah ! It's just that crazy. I don't know. I'm just brain storming. Anyways you've all read my insanity enough so I'll just end this with a Peace in Christ and a God bless ^.^. ________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Your walls of pride are only fencing you in, your ego's been playin' games with your head ! You're not The Mastermind, I am a product of my own design !" -Trapt, "Product Of My Own Design", "Someone In Control" Current Mood: discontent Current Music: "Product Of My Own Design" by. Trapt (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2008
2:42 pm	Deus Ex Machina... For those of you who’ve read "Further Instructions..." and sent me your prayers and well wishes, I thank you. As I’ve said in "Further Instructions..." times are indeed strange, and things are indeed changing. I suppose for me I’ll have to wait for things to change. Before I give anyone the wrong idea in this blog, I have not given up my faith that God is indeed leading me somewhere, however I do believe that I have misread His directions due to my own impetuosity. As I have said before I have not stopped praying about my planned move to Arizona, however after awhile the desire to relocate there has ceased and that in it’s self is looking bleek anyway. However I still plan on moving. Perhaps in August (I’ll be financially set by then) and then I can relocate in California (which is where I need to be anyways). In case you’re wondering how things are with me and Amanda, I can calmly tell you that they are not. No there was no gruesome break up or tears and various forms of "I HATE YOU !" being flung through the phone lines, no. Sadly we aren’t on the same page and we came to the realization that we should take a break, so although we’re still friends and what not, we’re just not in a relationship, or rather the relationship is in the long term parking section of the air port, and neither of us are coming to pick it up soon. I respect her greatly for her decision and her ability to tell me, and although it sucks more than most Porn Stars, I can’t be mad her for being honest. So I wish her well. Furthermore the whole experience with Amanda has taught me a very vital piece of information I couldn’t have learned otherwise, I am actually ready for a relationship. Despite the various gripes I’ve shared with some of you (and you all know who you are). I actually am ready to settle down...(then again there isn’t anything to settle down). But I guess that’s what God has been trying to tell me all along maybe. Anyways I actually am looking forward to being a relationship. I know that there are a lot of people who subscribe to the idea of shopping around and taking a look at the other products and what not, but I don’t even do that in real life. I’m in the market to buy not browse or sample or go for a 30 day Trial, nope I’m in for the full Monty. I realize that now. Anyways I realize now that I should just go back to what I was doing before hand and that’s just focusing on me and everything I need to do. Anyways I had to make it seem as if everyone prayers and well wishes were unfounded, believe me they were not. I guess I just needed to approach everything at a clear head. And now that I have everything is much more...clearer (lol). Either way I’m glad everyone sent me their prayers and well wishes, but sadly Ugo ain’t going anywhere or changing anytime soon. And while some of you are relieved, I am just mildly frustrated but I’m trying to remain optimistic. Nonetheless I’ll continue to ask for your prayers and well wishes and thank you all for reading. But I guess sometimes we all have to really take sometime out and figure out if we’re listening to God or just your own personal Deus Ex Machina... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "I Will Get What Is Mine"-Trapt (Comment on this)
Friday, March 7th, 2008
1:00 am	Anyway I can... Okay guys, here's an update for the world. Amanda and I had a long talk tonight, and I really wanted to clear up somethings with her and only by the power of God, we did. I know that there are a few of you reading this out there who are like "Yeah you say that now Eugene, but you'll be bitching later on..." and maybe that's true, but if I'm really gonna grow up, if I'm really gonna make this work, I gotta be flexible. Amanda is a really awesome chick, I mean that. I basically wanted the clear the air with her and we did. We both talked about ourselves and I told her somethings that needed saying, and she told me somethings, and we decided (per her suggestion) to take a break. So basically we'll still talk and all that good stuff, but we just won't be in a relationship, or the movie is on pause at the moment. And I told Amanda about how I am and I told her I didn't want her to feel trapped or held down by me. I couldn't do that to her and didn't want to do that to her. I'm really glad we got to talk, because if I didn't hear any of that or didn't say any of that, she'd still feel trapped and I'd still be wondering what my next move was going to be. Basically this whole relationship is exactly where it needs to be, In GOD's hands. Because that's where it started and that's where it should be. And if it's truly His will that I am to be with her, then it'll happen no matter what, and dare I say it, I'm actually that cocky to say I believe this will work. I don't know why and I know it's stupid but I have a real honest feeling that this will work and am almost sure of it. I'm still planning on moving to Arizona, that's looking kinda bleak but I want to do it and I'll even go so far as to drain my bank account to do it. Not just for her, just because I need a reboot and I need to grow up and spread my wings. Anyways to dust off an old chesnut "If you love someone, let them go, if they love you, they'll come back.". I have a feeling, she'll be back. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ "I can't be her angel now You know it's not my place to hold her down And it's hard for me to take a stand When I would take her anyway I can" -John Mayer,"Neon", "Room For Squares" Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "Neon" by. John Mayer (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
4:15 am	Further Instructions... Times are strange doesn't being to describe exactly what's been going on with me lately. It'd be much easier for me to explain how Black Holes are formed or the plot line of "Lost" than exactly what I've been going through. It's strange. I always say that but it really and truly is. For those of you who know me well, you won't be surprised when I say I'm serious about God. 100%. Sure I crack my jokes here and there but ultimately I am 100% serious. And when He (God) gives me an order, I have to follow it. And I know in my heart that I can trust everything He says to lead me to good. In late September I met a really awesome girl online. Probably the single most amazing girl I'll ever meet in my life and I say that for many reasons. After awhile we got to know each other and it ultimately came down to the point where we actually wanted to be with each other. The only problem with that equation is that she lives in Arizona. Although discouraging, I didn't lose faith in this situation. I kept praying to God and asking Him over and over and over that if this is what I'm truly meant to do, if she is who I'm truly meant to meet that if this was His will, allow it to continue...and by His will it has and still is. 4 Days ago I see a friend of mine pop up online, whom of which I haven't talked to in ages, so I decide to IM him, just to see how he's doing. After the usual idle chit-chat he tells me he's going to Arizona. I took this as a sign, and asked if I could accompany him. He agreed. He told me that the job market was pretty open in Arizona, and I'm not going anywhere in Michigan, and I'm 21 now and I am able to make all my own choices, and now I am listening to God and what He wants me to do, and right there He gives me a sign. I refuse to think that the girl I love lives in the same place that my friend (whom I haven't spoken to in ages) is planning to go to. My friend (Shank) He didn't have to sign in that day and I'd still be twiddling my thumbs wondering what to do about my situation, but by God's plan, Shank signed in on Yahoo and by God's plan I talked to Him, and the rest is slowly falling into place. So basically I'm telling all my friends that I WILL be moving to Arizona sometime in April, not sure how soon or how late but I WILL be going. The job market is better there, and I need to be on the West Coast anyway if I'm going to be a Director, and of course Amanda is down there and I am DYING to be with her, and plus I'm 21 now. It's time for me to (and excuse the cliche' but...) spread my wings, leave the nest and grow up and walk my own path in life and with God as my guide I cannot fail !I am nervous, I am scared, but I have faith and am working out plans in my mind. all I have to do is take care of all my business here and get everything set up and figured out. I'm asking all of you who have a faith in God to keep me in your prayers and all those who don't (although you really should, but now isn't the time ^_^) to send well wishes my way as I'll need all the good vibes I can use. I'm typing this now because honestly I'm too excited. I've found something I've been searching for for a long time and her name is Amanda, and all though she's not the complete reason for my moving, she is a HUGE selling point on the matter. I'm really crazy about her and I'm asking you all to pray for her as well and send well wishes her way, I'm excited because I actually feel like I'm ready for this, it's a New Year, a New Day and a New Me, I'm a grown man now and it's time for me to make choices. I'm going after my dream everyone, and I really feel down in the depths of my heart that I'm actually gonna make it. Not trying to sound cocky, I just refuse to accept failure. I'm not saying I have all the details figured out, but I have made the choice that I WILL be moving, I'm ready for a change, and once I arrive in Arizona, I'll do the same thing I've always done, get down on my knees, close my eyes, pray to God and await further instructions... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "Hunting (The Universe Breaks My Heart)" By. Abandoned Pools (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 18th, 2008
3:25 am	None of you understood... I feel so bad tonight. The 16th, Amanda broke up with me. She said we drifted apart...I think I know why. I've been praying to God to rid me of my misery...and apparently, He did. Not that she made me miserable, far from it. I liked her a lot. Maybe too much. And now in the wake of our break up we decided to remain friends...which is another word for Hell in my dictionary. I don't see how I can be friends with her. I don't see how women can do that. It's unnatural. But please, I don't need to go off on a tangent, not now...because I can't rest. I can't get any sleep, not until I put this hatred in me to rest. I talked to Debbie the night of the break-up...she has no clue just how much I love and need her. She's been there for me since day one. I have no clue how I'm gonna return that favor. Anyways I relayed to her just how much I hate myself. I've always known I've carried a certain dislike towards myself...but in that conversation with her...I actually said it. I hate myself, and I meant every word. So why do I hate myself ? I'm weak, I'm a failure, I'm not strong in will, in spirit or in mind, I can't protect anyone let alone myself. I never have...I've never defended myself, I let a fuckin' 14 year old talk down to me, I end up begging for MY OWN laptop from my brother, whom of which rubbed his penis on my laptop and yet...I still allow him to use it. I have been made fun of, called names, hit and hurt and yet...I've done nothing to defend myself...NOTHING. I remember a time in 6th Grade...these 2 guys I knew...Jason and Cavanaugh used to make fun of me something terrible...My Grandmother actually SHOWED up at the school to talk to them to make them stop. How fuckin' pathetic that I would be so defenseless that my Grandmother, an old women would have to swoop in and protect me from words. How shameful. I was pretty much miserable while I was with Amanda...not her fault. She's an amazing girl, I still say...the fact is...I couldn't match it. Every time I got on the phone with her, I said nothing out of fear of saying the wrong thing. I told her nothing about me. Or...better yet, I told her nothing deep. She was sharing feelings and stories with me...I have none to share with her. She's a people person and I loathe people almost as much as I loathe myself. I'm so disgusted with myself...disgusted by everything with myself. My futile projects, my stupid triumphs of nothingness and just my over all unwillingness to do anything. I am so angry right now I can hardly think. I wish I could cry but these words don't deserve tears, it'd just add to how pathetic I am. Only losers cry over their own misfortune. Shame is nothing to cry about. I fuckin' hate me. I hate being this weak ! I hate this feeling so much, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it ! I fuckin' hate this feeling ! It's literal visceral hatred...I actually feel it in my gut. Bubbling over like a pop of boiling water. I taste bile in my throat and I realize...this is all self-loathing. And none of you understand ! None of you do. No, I mean that, NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND ! When I say I hate myself, I mean it ! As wrong as it sounds I hate being this weak and this pathetic...and deep down I feel something else in my that isn't weak or pathetic at all...and that scares me to death. This thing in me...The Monster...is so...there is no word to describe it. It's pure evil...it's sick and dark and just down right vicious and I love it ! It's everything I am not, and I LOVE IT ! And I hate that I love it also. This Monster has blessed me with dreams where I'd get Bloody vengeance on all my enemies, he would give me dreams of taking what I wanted without a care in the world, and in those dreams I've felt more alive than actual living. Saying that makes me sick... I hate myself...I hate the fact that I'm Black. That's right, I fuckin' said it. I don't care anymore...everything gets fucked up when you're Black....everything. and my mom doesn't help matters by calling me and my brother "White girl lovers" and "O.J. and Al" (whatever the fuck that means, I get the O.J. reference but the Al part...I don't and I really don't give a fuck.). I fuckin' hate the fact that we, as a race have to worry about supporting ourselves instead of just living like individuals...White people don't have to worry about what's going on with Caucasians in America, and yet we have to EVERY fuckin' time. I fuckin' hate that. Yes I know, I'm saying fuck a lot...I don't give a fuck, I'm fuckin' angry right now, fuckin' deal with it. But seriously, I know I probably committed a mortal sin, talking about why I hate being Black, but I don't fuckin' care...I hate having to worry about Awwww fuck it, I'm just gonna fuckin' say it ! I hate having to tiptoe around my mom about the dating issue...if I end up dating a white girl, she's not gonna find out AT ALL. Fuck that, I rather hear the death cries of my own child then have to deal with my Mom giving me that fuckin' look or thinking of me as a traitor to my race. Traitor to my race...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ?! I'm sorry, I thought we were ALL FUCKIN' HUMAN BEINGS on this fuckin' planet ! I thought FUCKIN' HUMANS COULD MARRY OTHER FUCKIN' HUMANS, BUT NO...THAT ISN'T THE FUCKIN' CASE IT ?! No, apparently I HAVE TO marry another Black person OR ELSE I'M GONNA BE LOOKED DOWN UPON AND CASTED OUT OF MY SOCIETY AND SEEN AS A TRAITOR TO MY PEOPLE. YOU ALL CAN KISS MY FUCKIN' ASS and GO FUCK YOURSELVES ! There's that tangent again...I don't wanna turn this into another fuckin' Race talk. Fuck that. There's just SO much hatred I have to get out, and there is no one online that I feel comfortable talking to about this. Because every time I open my mouth about my problems...I find there is someone with an even bigger problem and I can no longer consider mine a problem...but it's a problem to me and therefore I end up left with it, with no way to be rid of it, so it just sits there and festers and grows and grows and grows until it bleeds into my nightmares and I'm killing my friends and hurting people I love and enjoying every sweet and bloody minute of it. YES ! I have killed you all...MANY times in my dreams before. I regret that I enjoyed it. And please, I beg of you all...before you get the wrong idea about me...please understand that it was merely my Envious spirit that made me dream these things, my envy and my anger. I have punished my friends for having better things than I had. I punished them for their relationships, their lives, their jobs and their over all well being. YES...ALL of you. None of you were spared. I am so sorry for admitting this...but I want you ALL to know just how pathetic and how much of a coward I am...because I hate me...and hopefully by the end of this... you'll hate me to. I remember back in high school, I had a re-occurring dream where I was standing in the middle of a city, the sky was blood red, the city was in shambles, I stood alone, a bloody axe in my right hand...and in the streets...the mutilated bodies of my female friends..every last one of them...and I knew...they were all dead because of me...and I enjoyed it. Why did I have this dream ? Because I felt like punishing ALL of you. WHY ? Because I felt castrated by all of you, YES, ALL OF YOU ! I felt that none of you saw me as what I really am...which is a Man...and mentally I decided to show you all how much of a man I was and kill every last one of you, and it made me FEEL GOOD ! That's right, it made me feel good. I hate myself for saying that...I love you all, you know that. It's just this Monster in me...it feels that none of you take him seriously and he forces me to act and think and feel these violent things. And you all know that I love you all so much and I would never hurt you. I'd sooner carve my own heart out of my chest and eat it piece by piece than bring harm to any of you...I love you all. I am sorry for that dream. I am so so so sorry. Forgive me please. Please forgive me ! I love you all ! I love you all so much. Please forgive me. Please. I hate myself...I have always hated myself...I hate the fact that I have been so weak for all of myself that I can imagine being any other way...even if I pretend to be in charge, if feels stupid, and out of place...but deep down I know that I can grab someone by their neck and tear out their throat...Violent, yes, I know...but those are the kind of thoughts that make me smile. Yes, I'm a sick person...it's about time you all knew that...when I was little I dreamt of torturing my bullies...burning them alive, hoping a ceiling fan would collapse on them and smear them all across the room, tearing their arms off and beating them to death with it (that was a person favorite of mine). I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing this for me...I'm writing this to purge my hatred. I'm writing this to FINALLY gain some form of closure and confess this EVIL in me, so ALL OF YOU CAN SEE THE MONSTER AND ME AND FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY take him seriously and MAKE HIM LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ! Don't laugh at him...I have bore his wrath and his anger and I don't want to anymore...it sickens me and makes me do stupid things...he's the reason behind my porn addiction. I used Porn because that was the only way to shut him the fuck up and get him off my case. It was sick how I used it...most guys just have it to have it...it's no big deal for them...For me, it started off that way and then it just grew and became something sick and ugly...I used it for power...I used it because I couldn't bury an axe in someone's brain like I wanted to, I used it because I could tell my enemies to FUCK OFF. It made me feel like I was in control of something, and I wasn't...I was just playing the role of someone in control. I officially quit Sept.17th but lately that shit has been clawing at me and I have been giving in more and more...because this feeling of being emasculated has returned...and I have dealing with it more and more... I fuckin' hate Sosuke Aizen...when Amanda and I were a couple...she commented about him saying..."He is so hot !"...I asked..."How so ?"...her reply was "He's so powerful."....right then I knew...I had no chance with this girl...none what so ever...She's attracted to power. Something she's told me in more words or less...I can't really say how I know this information. But any attempt I made to show her that I to could be powerful ended in complete failure with her not taking The Monster seriously...and this drove me insane...So I official hate Aizen. But like all things I hate, I idolize. Something I have learned from Aizen...and that's to be fearless. Real men are fearless. I'm a fuckin' coward. I told Amanda I was afraid of spiders...she called me a "P*ssy"...I know she meant it jokingly...but still...she was correct. How the fuck can something so small make me so terrified !? I was watching "Lost"...a particular episode..."Expose'" one of the characters gets attacked by a horde of spiders...and I couldn't even finish the episode BECAUSE THERE WERE TOO MANY fuckin' spiders ! How fuckin' bitch is that!? What the fuck kinda of a man screams because a fuckin' spider is looming on hallway wall?! What kind of man is that ? He's a fuckin' coward !! How in the FUCK am I supposed to get over this fear if I can't even watch spiders on TV ?! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO ?! I can see it now...me and my girlfriend coming home and all of a sudden a spider is hanging on my wall and I scream like a little fuckin' bitch, she laughs and yet I'm too fuckin' scare to even kill the fuckin' thing. I can't even walk into a fuckin' haunted house. 3 Halloweens ago me, Paul and Jeff went to some Haunted Houses... and fuck if I didn't scream like a fuckin' blonde in a fuckin' Horror movie. What the fuck is that shit ?! WHAT THE FUCK ! I'M A FUCKIN' COWARD ! I can't even look at fake shit, I spent the whole time with my head down clutching the shit outta Paul's jacket who was walking in front of me. I AM A FUCKIN' COWARD ! I AM NOT A MAN !! FUCK YOU ALL ! I FUCKIN' HATE ME ! I'm so sorry Kim...pray for me...please...I love you so much, pray for me... I am ashamed to say it, I have been slipping in my prayers and I am trying to get back on track...but please pray for me. I need God now more than ever...although I'm not exactly making a great case for him as one of his followers...I shouldn't say that...at least I didn't betray Jesus...hahaha, so no matter how bad I'm doing, I'm doing better than Judas...hahaha...Kim I'm so sorry...I feel like every letter I type is just hurting you more and more. I'm sorry, I love you Kimmy. Pray for me...please. I know I don't have to beg, but I need it...and I'll pray just as soon as I get some sleep... I hate the fact that even after the break up, I want her back...and yet I know...NO GOOD can come of it. I feel like asking her where I went wrong...I feel like...I feel like I let I should've just let her go like that. I should've been fuckin' powerful and told her NO,and explained to her why I'm the top choice and why she'll never do any better than me. But what did I do, I just fuckin' let her go. No fight, no "Wait a minute, think about it !", no "take a chance on us !", I just fuckin' let her go. Part of me is happy that I no longer have to feel ashamed that I haven't seen "Superbad" nor have no intention to or ashamed of the fact that I'm a loner and I don't really do anything outside of my house, or that I suck ass at "DDR" and "Guitar Hero", and I no longer have to feel obligated to watch "Bleach" or hate myself for not having the money to be able to able to play "World of Warcraft",or ashamed at the fact that I have played NONE of the Final Fantasy's or Kingdom Hearts or .hacks. I can go back to just being personally compatible with myself...and yet on the other hand...I feel just plain out and out fuckin' horrible because her being with me Made 2007 a great year and now...2008 just fuckin' died to me. and next month I'll be going on my 21st Birthday...same as last year, single, angry, unable to drive and just all around HATING EVERYONE. and yes, I don't give a fuck about anyone's problems at the moment, death in the family, I don't give a fuck, this is about me. I deserve that ! Let me be selfish ! I can't think of anything else to say...It feels so damn good to get all this evil out of me. And trust me I wanna delete this entry so bad...but if I do...no one's gonna know this will still be a problem and I'll never change...so this is it...this is all of it... or at least a good portion of it... Just keep in mind that I love you all deeply. All of you. May God all Mighty Bless of you ! Thank you all, I love you all. I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, that much and a thousand times over and a thousand times more after that and times that by a thousand and thousand more and even then you'll never come no where near how much I love you all. May God bless every last one you. I love you all, I love you all, I love you all, I love all, I love you all ! I'm sorry, forgive me please. ___________________________________________________________________________________ "I had no intention of deceiving anyone. It's just that none of you understood...my true self." -Sōsuke Aizen, "Bleach" Current Mood: depressed Current Music: "My Black Dahila" by. Hollywood Undead (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
7:11 am	7:13 am And I can't sleep. Obviously stress related. Which is funny because I'm 20, what the fuck do I have to be stressed about ? Actually it's just taking everything way too seriously and letting everything get to me, and it's the obvious reasons of course...my heart is in Arizona...sorry,I had a fleeting moment that this entry wasn't worth writing. You see my glasses broke yesterday, so I'm using 1/2 half of my glasses and I wrapped a tie around my Right eye so the screen of my computer won't mess with my vision as much. The ironic thing here is that I can only see out of my left eye and the right side of my headphones is the only side that works. So I can see outta my left and hear outta my right....poetic isn't it ?and now my eye is itching, geez I was hoping I could get this outta me with little or no error but that is proving insanely difficult to do. But on the plus side my typing is a lot more smoother seeing as how I'm only looking at the keys while writing this and not the screen...it helps me see which buttons I need a lot better...not that I can typing looking at the screen only it's just...I don't know. I barely have a coherent thought in my head at the moment. Hell, I barely have a coherent thought at all really...it's all just a cesspool of self-loathing a personal confusion in which it's getting harder and harder to unravel. So what meaningless thought is keeping me up this time ?...a lot of things really...the future, me, and of course, my one and only Amanda. According to a friend of mine named Angel, I should open up to Amanda...not really sure what that means but I guess it means I should tell her more about myself...I made an attempt to do that yesterday and the day before. The day Before I texted her and told her to call me when she got off work...which she did, but low and behold my phone had to be a fuckin' asshole and lose MY FUCKIN' SIGNAL ! So I didn't know she called me until after I got her voice message which was 20 minutes AFTER SHE CALLED ! I wanted to call her back but she was already on the phone with a friend of her's and didn't wish to interrupt her conversation...because I'm that kind of a guy. Yesterday I asked her if we could try it again, she was home all day, so...I figured when she was done doing what she had to do she'd call me and I can finally let her know who I am.... she didn't call me. I feel like a fuckin' moron. I mean shit happens right ? If this was anyone else I'd just be saying "Ah, maybe they forget." or "Maybe they were busy." But with Amanda, nope, it's always the same thing "Oh shiy, she found someone better....Fuck !" or "Oh shit, she thinks I'm a total goober...FUCK !" or "Oh shit, she doesn't like me anymore...FUCK !". Frankly I don't see how any guy can have a girlfriend without tearing out his own intestines and eating them. This drive me purely insane. Any other guy wouldn't have this problem...but me...lol...I'm obviously not like any other guy. Damnit ! The screen is hurting my eyes, but I really wanna get this outta me. Guess I have to wait until I get some new glasses. How funny that I have no clue who covers my eye via Health Care. Who the fuck invited health care anyways ? I mean seriously you'd have to be a HUGE asshole to actually charge people for being sick. That's basically what it is. Money fucks up everything. Fuck you Christopher Hitchens...Religion poisons everything...you're a fuckin' moron. It's Money ! Money is a creation of pure evil ! Seriously. I'm sorry I'm just annoyed...I really wanna type and yet my slight inability to see is annoying me to NO END, and the fact that I can barely keep a thought in my head for no more than 2 seconds is also driving me mad. But I don't wanna end this entry just yet...because I feel like there's something I haven't said that REALLY REALLY needs saying...I may know what that something is....but I don't wanna say it. Thinking about it makes me sick and if you're Kim or Genesis, then you know what I'm talking about...it's too easy. Being evil is way too easy. I hate it and yet the temptation to use the knowledge I have is too great to ignore. Didn't I say I wasn't gonna say it ? Oh well I guess ignored that idea. I wish I could go to sleep but I can't...I'm not tired and I'm there's too much on my mind. The Truth is scary isn't it ? This is something for us Christians to think about...The Truth. Hell... it depresses me sometimes. Is anyone actually thinking about that ? I mean...have you ever really thought about Hell ? Have you ever really thought about those going to Hell ? I have friend who are going. That sounds callous but it depresses me like crazy. It's depressing because I know that they will spend forever in eternal torment...that depresses me like crazy. It really does. I try not to dwell on it but every now and then the reality sets in and you're left with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and pity unlike anything you've ever felt. These are people I laughed with and joked with and bowled with and spent time with and ate lunch with, I ultimately know that they're doomed to Hell...and try as I might, there isn't much I can do to stop it. I pray for them. That's all I can do. Some will be saved some wont'...but either way it just makes me very sad. That's one of the things on my mind at the moment. I'm really hungry right now. I wonder why that is...I can go to the kitchen and make myself a quick sandwich with the Ham my mom brought...but that's here Ham and I already made a sandwich yesterday and I don't wanna take all my Mom's Ham...but she didn't say I could have some...maybe I will make the sandwich and shut my stomach up... 7:51 am.... Hrm...just shows how long it takes me to form a thought. Amanda I love you ! I have no clue why I wrote that...just had to get that outta me because that's the only thing I can think of aside from how hungry I am. Damn, I sound like a really bad episode of "One Tree Hill", isn't that great that no matter how bleak my entries are I never lose my sense of humor ? I think that's rather endearing of me, I'll brb. I'm gonna go make that sandwich... I'm back and I have a sandwich, I also cut the light on in my room and dimmed the computer scree, so actually things are working out sorta...I think my lip is gonna bleed again. It's always the middle of my bottom lip. It just splits open sometimes. Sorry, I took a moment out of time again to read some Lostpedia, that's a wiki pedia section fully devoted to "Lost". I guess that means my feeling are finally coming to a nice slow boil right now and I can finally put the lid on...yep, I really did need that sandwich. Anyways I hope I can get some new glasses at like...Rite Aide or something. Here's me hoping. Laters everyone. Current Mood: awake Current Music: None (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
11:27 am	If I can't... Fuckin' leave it to me, Seriously fuckin' leave it to me to NOT be happy when something great occurs in my life and yet I can't fuckin' enjoy it because I have such a huge fuckin' Inferiority Complex that I can't fuckin' get past that automatically makes me paranoid at the drop of a fuckin' hat. Seriously, I have no clue how I do anything. Let me elaborate for a bit and maybe you can see just how fuckin' stupid I am. I don't know if you heard it through the grape vine or anything but, I have a girlfriend now. Her name is Amanda, she's 19, and dare I say it, she is Amazing to every sense of the word. Honestly. Only one small thing though...she lives in Arizona. But that's not the things that's bothering me. I know several people who've had Long Distance relationships that worked out perfectly for them, so I'm not at all worried there. The thing that bothers me is I fear that in the future our personalities might clash, and the more I learn about her, the more nervous I am. When I say she's Amazing, I mean it. Amanda has done SO MUCH for herself and her friends, I honestly am impressed by the stories she's told me about her life in Garden Grove, yeah, that's California. She's a Social Butterfly who loves being around people, and what I am ? A Maniacal hermit who generally can't stand being around more than one person unless I absolutely have to. Then again this is an EXTREME error in thinking that I compare us to each other in terms of compatibility and each time I always, always, always come up with the same answer: "How the fuck did this happen ?". Maybe I'm bashing myself a little and well, I have a long history of that, so it isn't anything new anyways. I suppose my issue is over analyzing...DUH ! Genius insights ya got there Eugene, No shit, I could've told you that dumb ass. Okay, lemme shut up for a sec and get back on point with what I was saying...which was....Ah Hell, I don't even know anymore. Just another 3 round gang beating of me, myself and I. Er...mental suicide I call it. Anyways, the thing that's worrying me about me and Amanda is that one day (and I joke about this but I honestly do feel this way) that one day she's gonna see me for what I am, a maniacal, hermit like wanna-be scientist, anti-social, over-opinionated ass-hole who does nothing, goes nowhere and has no interest in doing either and she's gonna realize she can do a LOT better than me. Wait, what the fuck am I saying ? Did I actually just fuckin' say that ? I mean thinking it is one thing but actually saying it out loud, I mean FUCK ! Why don't I just fuckin' kill myself, shit ! I wouldn't let anyone else talk about me that way so why the fuck am I letting myself talk to me that way....wait a tick, I did let people talk to me that way...I'm the same prick who got his backpack stolen by a kid who was 2 grades lower than me. Damn, I got a lot of rage for someone who's 20 and hasn't really been through anything. What's my damage, where the fuck did this Inferiority complex come from and just how the fuck does one stop it ? Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I'm swearing a lot, but I'm just typing what I'm thinking, They call that Stream of Consciousness style. It's like when you don't even take the time out to think out what you're gonna type, you just as if you were talking so it makes the material seem much more personal and a lot more tangible for reading...mentally tangible rather. Anyways, I love Amanda a lot dare I say it, and yes I mean it, every word of it also. I mean in the short time we got to know each other...although I doubt I've talked much about myself or my friends with her, then again I hardly ever do. Nothing really to talk about. I have no stories to tell and no grand actions I committed, just locked away in my room working tirelessly on my books or chatting it up with friends online or making continuous attempts at writing a screenplay. And Amanda, she's really active, into DDR and things like that, really cool things actually. I take nothing away from DDR or anything else, I just have no interest in them and DDR I suck raw ass at....I have limited coordination...the only thing I can coordinate is the chapters of a book I'm writing and a REALLY awesome data page...OF USELESS information ! What the blue fuck am I talking about ? Seriously is this entry going anywhere ?...I gotta stop posting these entries that don't go anywhere...it just seems like a waste of space. I haven't posted anything in a while either....let's get back to the subject because I know I'm gonna keep thinking about it even AFTER I exhausted everyone else in my doubt and fears and little issues like a fuckin' high school girl who wasn't asked to the prom. Seriously is there anyone more pathetic than me right now ? I have a good thing going, WHY QUESTION IT YOU DUMB FUCK !? I'll tell you why if you're so damn curious, I question it because I don't FUCKIN' UNDERSTAND IT that's why ! I mean she actually called me "the sweetest guy ever" and "cute" and add to that, she actually got my a Christmas a gift, this chick bought me The Fuckin' Z Sword. Believe me when I say I love this chick. She even picked out OUR SONG. And if I may I'd like to quote it at this very moment "What have I gotten into this time around" ? I honestly don't understand how on Earth she can refer to me as "cute" as "the sweetest guy ever", What kind of mental issue is she suffering from that she would be so blind as to refer to me as "cute". Oh wait, she is a "Buffy" fan, so I guess that answers the mental issue part (lol)...I'm actually serious...sorta....no I'm not I'm kidding, that's just my spineless jealousy getting in the way of the actual issue. The actual issue being my INCREDIBLE ability to make the worst out of any GREAT situation. What the fuck is my problem ? I mean anyone else would just "HEY, you have a fuckin' girlfriend now ! Quit your bitching and just fuckin' enjoy it !" And in one respect I agree with that philosophy...but in another...I am ALWAYS asking fuckin' questions, seriously the questions man...what the fuck is my issue ? I don't get it. When did I get like this where I can't see the fuckin' good in this at all ? She wants to visit me in January. I told her if she does that we'd go and see "Cloverfield" that's gonna be a bad ass movie and I'd love to share it with her. Oh but I put my fuckin' foot in my mouth didn't I ? I don't have FUCKIN' DRIVER'S LICENSE ! HAHAHAHAHAHA Good one Eugene, NICE ONE indeed. You're dumb ass finally signed a check your ass can't cash HAHAHAHAHAHA, whatcha gonna do now funny man ?! Er...I'm planning on taking my test sometime in early January...Right, take your test in the WORST time possible....You're dumbass. Well it's not my fault I suck ass at parking. I mean fuck I already failed the fuckin' thing 3 times already....and my dumb ass after the 3rd time was all "There won't be a 4th" like I was fuckin' Chuck Norris or something, well guess what, there's a 4th ! And with my luck there'll be a 5th and 6th and 7th and me and Amanda'll just have to get a ride from my brother. Oh Boy, what a great time that'll be, having your brother as a 3rd wheel the whole night while you're trying to hang out with your girlfriend...HAHAHAHAHA, I'd honestly rather watch "Buffy", naw, I'd rather have my nuts hooked up to a car battery...a lot less screaming that way...Oh there's that jealousy again. Seriously, what's my problem ? You know I'm not even reading any of this. You'd think with all the spelling errors I corrected that I'd take the time out to read this, Nope, I'm actually thinking about Cinnamon Toast Crunch and how fuckin' hungry I am. That's what happen when you lose your train of thought...you end up sounding like a nuts case online. lol, wait till Kim reads this one. "HI KIM !". >_>, I'm a dumb ass...honestly. And to be perfectly honest I didn't really voice any of my doubts, it's all irrational bullshit anyways that isn't worth mentioning. But nonetheless they're all valid and invalid fears I have that I don't think I can voice properly only because I have no clue what it is I'm actually afraid of. Am I really afraid if losing Amanda ? Yes, you better believe I am, or am I really afraid of realizing the truth...the truth being that I haven't truly accepted me 100% all my flaws and all ? Am I afraid that I might actually be "cute" and I might actually be "the sweetest guy ever" in her eyes and I am SO afraid of that that I make myself out to be worse than I actually am...if I am that bad at all. I mean I've always been a bit of a loner, you can't really change that about me, many have tried, ALL have failed. I'm a stick in the mud to some, that party at Walter's house proved that VERY MUCH. I don't interact well with people at all and that hasn't made or broke anything in my life. I'm not social. I'm just not, I find it too full of discord and chaos and not enough structure. lol, that sounded so formal. Let me PLEASE re-phrase that, I find social situations to be far too awkward for me. Awkward to the point I become completely uncomfortable. That's just my personality. I've never changed. I mean SINCE PRE-SCHOOL ! SINCE PRE-SCHOOL I learned how to play BY MYSELF and I would ! I NEVER needed to interact with ANYONE. NEVER. I got along just fine by myself. I had Solitude. There's a saying that Solitude is the richness of oneself and Loneliness is the poorness of oneself...or something like that, I'm too lazy to go look for the quote. But anyways I have ALWAYS been fine just playing by myself. It's how I am and how I always will be. Going out and hanging with friends, some people can do it, I can't. I love all my friends to death but I just can't do it. People annoy me. And yeah, I know you're all my friends and I love you guys, seriously I love you guy a lot, but I just can't do it. It's not in my DNA to hang out with people. It seriously isn't. I checked and did tests, it's JUST NOT THERE. I don't have a social gene in my body. I like to control a situation rather, this is why I'm a lot more active online...*sigh* what a pity. But I love it. It's set up perfectly. You have a friend's list, you can clearly see who's open to talk and who isn't, you can hide from people you don't wish to see, and you can post a status message that warns people of your disposition you can block people and if a person you don't wanna talk to send you a IM, you can just click the X button and go back to what you're doing, simple as that, no awkward pauses, no waiting to "Sorry I'm busy go away." Just a little move of a mouse pad, a simple click and BOOM, you're not even home and they are none the wiser and have no clue that they just snubbed. Geez, what a perfect system. It's almost too beautiful to discuss. Not that I shun all forms of personal activity. I mean as long as there's a PLAN involved I can hang out. Blowing, I'll do that, Movies...is a little iffy...I'm a real bitch about who I go to the movies with, Carivals HELL YEAH, Riding rides HELL YEAH, Go-Karts, Mini-Golf, Arcade YEAH, I'm there. Anything else...eh, I'll pass thanks for the invite. Is that rude of me ? I mean is there something wrong with me ? Many will say so. I just hope Amanda understands that. I'm sure she will. She's an amazing girl (We Know Eugene, we know) hehe. I just don't wanna make the mistake of pretending to be what she wants me to be and just be myself. *sigh* Why does that sound so scary ? I've calmed down a bit, thankfully having Disturbed turned rightly up to 11 is a surefire cure of self inflicted agony. *sigh* I guess in the end all I can really do is try and be the best damn boyfriend to her that anyone else after me (God forbid) will pale in comparison to my impact on her life. I refuse to be a footnote in her life, she took a chance and decided to date a guy across the fuckin' country and I AM NOT gonna let her think for a second that a wrong move. I mean she loved me enough to buy me The Fuckin' Z Sword. If that isn't the sign of a girl who's in it for the long haul I don't know what is. Damn, I really picked a good quote to summaries this entry. But then again, why wouldn't it be a great quote, it's from The Greatest Rock band in the History of band, DISTURBED!!! of course. Anyways my stomach is starting to eat itself and that does NOT feel good lemme tell you, so I'm gonna grab a bowl of cereal and continue wasting the rest of my day doing absolutely NOTHING and LOVE every second of it...naw, maybe I'll watch some X-Men. Have a good day all, or good night or whenever the hell you read this, have a good something. Peace in Christ all, God bless. Laters. ________________________________________________________________________________________________ "If I can't remember to know this will conquer me !" -Disturbed, "Remember", "Believe" Current Mood: irritated Current Music: "Mistress" by. DISTURBED !!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 16th, 2007
8:31 pm	My Letter to you... Hey it's me. I decided instead of talking I would just tell you a story, I'm sorry for directing you here...I'm not apologizing for what I'm saying, I'm apologizing because I feel like a jerk for saying it. I apologize because 80% of the people who hear it won't care and I apologizes because I fear I might lose you as a friend because of it. And in the short time I got to know you, oddly I think of you as a little sister. Then again, the thought of having someone to protect and look out for has always been something very cool to me, so it's a no brainer why I care about you. So instead of me talking on and on about how great God is, I'd rather share with you the build up to those 20 seconds of atheism I had and why it only lasted as long as it did. If you could find it in your heart to listen to me, I would hope and pray that maybe by these words and reflection upon yourself you may better understand why it is I believe and Maybe, just maybe find a reason yourself. If you're reading this part I wanna thank you. *hugglesness* Much like yourself, I was raised Christian. I've been going to church as long as I can remember. About a good 6 years ago, I would've never dreamed I'd even write something like this. I was a fair weather Christian. And by that I mean, I was only a Christian simply because I was raised that way.and Church was just a place I went to where I fooled around a bit and then when it was over I could finally go home and watch "Thunder Cats !" I didn't know anything else. I was young back then. My dad was not around when I was born, he decided that drugs was much more important than his own family, so I never really had a father figure or anything of the sort. Needless to say that kinda screwed me over in the process of masculinity. I was a rather shy kid, I loved to draw one of the few things I'm extremely proud of. My voice is insanely high pitched for a Black Kid's, I've taken my fair share of shit for that as well. Where I was coming up Black Kids in my neighborhood would speak "ghetto"...as they call it. Use sentences like "Where is you goin' ?". I didn't talk like that...and for some reason this was seen as a flaw. Apparently I was "Talking White" and "Acting White", when in actuality I was simply carrying myself with respect. I never acted as if I was better than anyone (and given my environment) it was made clear to me that I was NOT acceptable as a "Black Kid". Fine by me! I remember when I was little, very young, maybe 5 or 6 or so. I remember I got into a huge argument with my brother, Over what ? I can't remember back that far, sorry. All I remember was I was pissed ! I went into the kitchen, opened a drawer, grabbed what I could and returned to where my brother was to stab him. Thankfully, instead of grabbing a hand full of knives as I intended, I grabbed a hand full of spoons. It's funny and I can sorta laugh about it now, but I shudder to think what would've happened if I did grab the knives. I love my brother very much. In the 3rd Grade I fell in love with this girl named Randy Lewis. I thought she was very pretty. There was this Halloween dance coming up, I was dressed as Robin (from "Batman Forever"). And it was there where I asked her if she'd go out with me...the bitch laughed in my face. I didn't fall in love again until The 6th Grade where I was around more "ghetto" people, who still did not recognize me as a "Black Kid". And getting someone to like you when your nickname is Carlton (from "The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air") isn't an easy task when you're a Black kid who EVERYONE is convinced is "Acting White". As soon as I got up the nerve to ask her out (in a note by the way) I actually saw her with the note, reading it and laughing about it with her friends....her loss. Anyways I was in the 7th Grade I think, I was 13 years old (not a good age for me...I'll explain later). I feel in love with a girl named Ashley. She was actually amazing to me. She was smart. I didn't have the nerve to ask her out or anything...missed opportunity...Oh well. While I was still 13 I came across something so unbelievably shocking and scary that I wouldn't think about it again for many years later. I forget where, but I was in this "youth group" called Isustu (pro E-sue-2) It was basically an organization for young Black men without fathers to be around positive Male Role models...I wasn't in a gang or anything so that experience was kinda wasted on me. But anyways, we were watching this video about Slavery and Racism, and a name came up. A name I'll never forget. Emmit Till. And if you have no clue who Emmit Till was, the allow me to explain. Emmit Till was a 14 year old boy from Chicago back in 1955. He was in Mississippi visiting relatives, well anyways on his way back or to the store, I forget which it is, he comes across this white girl, and he does nothing indecent, he whistles at her. Later that day the girl's parent's friends (or something like that) show up at Emmit's house and they kidnap him. And the things they did to that boy...for something so stupid....he died in horrible pain. And on the video we were watching they actually showed his face ! They showed the aftermath of what they had done to him...and you couldn't even tell that was him. a 14 year old Black boy was brutally murdered to the point of being unrecognizable. I have his pictured stashed away in one of my journals...I could never look at it again. The only reason I have it is to remind me of who I am...(that's another thing I'll have to explain later) Needless to say, this scared the living shit outta me ! Personally, because I was 14 at the time. So here I was 14 years old scared shitless. So what did I do ? I went looking at history books, and I found horrible thing after horrible thing. * White people driving around town for the only purpose of finding a Black person so they can hang them and beat them like a pinata. It happened. * The K.K.K doing mass lynchings (and to be clear, "lynching" does not mean they were just hung, no a "lynching" is when they beat the living shit outta you and then they hang you after torturing you) * Black People being denied their rights simply because we're Black. * The K.K.K actually having members in part of Government ! * Houses were getting Klan raided in Metro Detroit at that time. Houses were being burned. * A Klan rally was actually held in Taylor, MI a few years ago and that's a place me and my brother stroll to, every now and then. And all of this was actual history ! And worst of all, there were still people who thought this way. It got to the point where everytime I saw a White person I was afraid. Because when I saw them, I saw Emmit's face. So I had to think about it. And ask one question: "WHAT THE FUCK, GOD !?" Why would an all loving God create people that the world HATES ! and a lot of Black people belly ache about this, but it's actually true. Go anywhere you want in the world and ask them their opinion of Black people and it isn't a very good one, I can tell you that right off the bat. Mostly because we're to blame. We go around perpetuating a stereo-type and I was above that, and for that I was rejected by The Black Community, and for that I hated them. I hated them for being so stupid. * I hated God for making us Black. * I hated God because in my eyes, He wasn't doing jack shit to help us. * I hated God because for 200 years people who had my skin color were beaten, and raped, and killed, and tortured for no reason and this all loving God did NOTHING to help anyone. * I hated God because we actually had to prove to everyone that we were human enough to vote. * I hated God because he let Emmit die and Didn't lift one Divine finger to help him. * I hated God because God is supposed to be our Lord and Savior and yet, people who looked like me were looked down upon, we killed and were hated FOR NOTHING ! * I hated God because He has the power to stop it and yet he doesn't. * I hated God because He loved White people and let them do whatever they wanted to whoever ! My overall attitude at this point in time was "Fuck God, Fuck Jesus, Fuck ALL OF IT !" I never said it out loud, but I thought it very strongly. I hated God. I still had to go to church because I lived with my Mom and I wasn't gonna fight her on it. And I never told her how I felt, I never told my brother either. I kept it all to myself. I hated God and there wasn't anything anyone could do to stop me. I still believed there was a God...I just hated the fucker. I was a Dystheist (which means You believe in God, it's just you believe that God is Evil). So what's a 14 year old boy to do with that kinda hatred for something ? Here I was, in church, Not giving a damn about whatever The Pastor was saying, and I was consumed with hatred for White people, Black People, and over all God ! I picked up The Bible out of bordem in hopes to just fake like I'm reading it in order to make time go by a lot faster. Anyways I started reading something about Satan. It was in The Book of Job. Now, I'm sure you know the story of Job, but that's not what caught my interest. The thing that caught my attention was the beginning of Job. Satan comes before God and ASKS to do these things to Job, and God allows Satan to do anything BUT kill Job. This was interesting to me because as a kid we all have this image of Satan running amok and doing whatever he wants, BUT according to The Book of Job, Satan had to ASK God to do this, and God told Satan what he could and couldn't do. This was strange. And then much to my luck, I managed to tune in a bit to the current sermon and the Pastor said these words: "Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean Satan won't stop bothering you. If anything He wants you NOW more than ever. Nothing would make him happier than taking a Christian. Because an unbeliever is already his, he doesn't have to work for that but a Christian, that's his goal, and he'll have you feeling and believing stuff that ain't in The Bible. He'll do anything He can, anything at all to get you. Satan is desperate for Christians !" I thought about it, and then I read The Bible...I don't remember the verses or The Books of what I read, but I realized that all the evil in this world, all the things that happened, weren't God's doing, it was simply the work of Satan. And God was a buffer between us and Satan. Plus God already knows what Satan is gonna do and he takes measures against him. Satan wanted to shoot us in the face, but God said, No, just punch them in the face. Satan wanted us burned alive, but God said, No, just the house. Satan wanted us slaughtered by the dozens, but God said No, you can take them when I say you can. But this raised another question for me, why would God allow Satan do to these things ? Why not just make us all perfect ? Why not just destroy Satan ? Why ?! Well for starters Satan isn't God's problem, He's ours. 2nd, God allowed Satan to make his own choice, just as He did with us. We have Free will. Free will, much like "The Sims" means were are capable of making our own decisions. And God did not want slaves. I guess God wanted to see how many of his creations would actually find their way to Him. I mean if you read Genesis, We were made in the image and likeness of God, so of course it would be smart of us to try and figure out who this God is. But for someone who doesn't believe in God or Satan, how can I explain it ? I can't. I started reading The Bible and I read The Story of Jacob, The Story of Johan, the Story of Job, The Book of Jeremiah and I realized, ALL the prophets, all the Apostles and EVEN JESUS went through all kinds of shit ! I asked why we suffer, but if Jesus was really God in the flesh, why did He ? I mean if he was God, couldn't He just say "Evil go away !" and it would ? Why the fuck would God kill himself ? John 3:16 answered that question. And I'm sure you know what John 3:16 is, so I won't quote it. But God didn't wanna just up and sweep evil away, no. He still gave us a choice. And that is the source of most of our evil. Not the choice in of it's self, but the option to disobey God. I was not brain-washed. I became a Christian souly based on the point that If God truly did this for Everyone then he does indeed love us, all of us. Because like any good parent He was willing to die for his children. I took that to heart. Over time I learned that bad things will happen to good people, just like bad things happened to Jesus. But as a Christian we learn not to worry about our physical bodies. My soul isn't a Black Man, my soul is not bound to any ethnicity or anything like that. My soul is who I really am. I understand my physical body is going to wither away one day, but I won't die. Because my soul, the real me, is off to a much better place. Now I didn't wanna bring up "N", and I kinda feel bad for talk about her as if I know her, because I don't. And I'm not trying to make you cry and invoke her name, because that's emotional blackmail and I won't do that. But I will say that I am happy that you had someone like her in your life. You obviously loved her very much. And only you can answer it, but I'm sure she loved you to. You told me that the day she died was the day you stopped believing. I mean no disrespect to you or her, but I doubt her last thoughts were of herself and how slowly she was dying, I'm sure that her last thoughts was of the people she loved, and sure she wanted them all to be okay, and that includes you. And if she was a believer, then you two will meet again. And I don't mean to sound like some religious zealot, but it's the truth that I believe. Because I do not fear death ! To a Christian Death is a 5 letter word. And regardless of how, God said that if you believe in Me you SHALL NOT perish. So, No, your Aunt is not dead. She maybe gone for the physical world, but she's still around. And she still loves you. Man, do I feel like a jerk for doing that...I'm sorry. And about your friend "L". I have friends who cut themselves as well. I've been where you were, but instead of a phone I was on the other side of a computer screen telling them to stop hurting themselves. Begging them, just like you have. And when they did cut themselves it made me angry and sad, so I understand. But although they're your friends you have to understand that they make their own decisions and you can relish in the fact that you were there for them when they needed you and they didn't listen. It's not your fault. It's just a very tough point of life you'll have to deal with. And I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wanna close this letter by saying that I love you and regardless of whatever this letter does for you, I'll still love you because you're my friend and I think of you as a little sister. Finally I want you to ask those questions that you asked me, search for the answers, and if you're not happy with the answers come and talk to me and we can talk about it. And if you don't wanna talk to me, talk to someone you trust, But please share all the questions you have. Never be afraid to ask questions. Anyways, I love you. I hope we can still be friends, and even if you don't believe in Him, maybe God bless you. Have a good day and a good night. *hugglesness* Current Mood: embarrassed Current Music: "Thnks fr th mmrs" by. Fall Out Boy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 8th, 2007
3:23 pm	The Truth About Me...mostly... I've been a fool for a long awhile now. In fact I've pretty bad lately. I don't mean bad, physically I just mean mentally. I realized I'm a very jealous and petty guy. I realize that my self-esteem has been generally scarce, and I've been generally beating myself up about it. There are somethings that we do to ourselves that we know will do us no good and yet we do them anyway. I feel bad for myself. Every time I think about everyone else and how happy they are...it just makes me feel worse and it drives me to just acting out my own anger at myself. I don't hurt myself physically but I have committing spiritual suicide almost every day and night. It sucks really. I saw this image and I just wanted to cry my eyes out because it was by far the most honest representation of how I feel. I feel trapped. I feel alone and I feel that there is no way out. I know I sound glum or emo or whatever you wanna call it, but I really do feel this way. Deprived. I have spent hours upon hours miss-using my laptop and I even had the nerve to give it a Holy name and still use it for evil. I'm ashamed of that, very much so. And in all honesty I'm trying to work that out. But it always seems that the more times I say "Sorry." the more times I end up screwing up. I've had dreams where I'd finally meet someone who could help me break out of this prison, and every time I keep thinking I've found the person it just proves to be another false alarm and I end up feeling worse than I already did. Is that love ? Is this what love does ? Every time I feel I should bare my soul to another person I end up baring more than my soul, I end up baring myself, my everything, all my hopes dreams, thoughts feelings and just to watch all those thing be destroyed right before your eyes is far too painful for me. I understand that that makes me a coward. I'll openly admit I am a coward. I'm not proud of it, but I have to face facts. I mean Hell, it's been a good 5 years and this is the first time I'll openly announce that I've been seeing a Shrink. Not even my brother knows that, and the only other person I told was Debbie. Why am I making this public knowledge now ? Well because I stopped seeing my Shrink in hopes that I might utilize my friends more often and I have to say...that scares me to no end. I always had a fear of making people mad at me, a fear of being hated, a fear of people disliking me. Well, it's more of a fear of being hated by my friends. Cannot have anyone mad at me. It physically hurts me. I'm serious, my stomach turns, my head hurts and I can't get any sleep because I feel so bad, both mentally and physically. I can't take it. I really can't. And that's why I hold off on calling anyone or talking to anyone about my problems, because I'm afraid I'll end up annoying them and they'll hate me. Then I'd have lost a friend. God, I feel bad now even bringing this up because it's always the same B.S. over and over again and I never do anything to help the situation I just bitch about it. And I can only bitch about it here because I'm not bothering anyone. But God forbid I call someone and bitch to them, and they tell me that my problem isn't a big deal. And the truth is, I know it isn't a big deal, but it's a big deal for me because I let it snowball into something even worse. And now I'm afraid, that I'll never see the end of this. I had to reboot my computer because it caught something vicious. I managed to get everything back to where it needs to be, but it feels different. I'll get used to it. I didn't lose any files, thankfully to my external hard drive (those things are magic). But I've been in kind of a slump lately...I got a few others things going on and a few other feelings that I'm addressing at this moment. All I know I feel horrible. And I know why. Because I had to make my laptop suffer for my selfishness. I never wanna do that again. And so far I'm trying to restrain myself, but even now...even after all of what I did, I'm driving myself nuts. I feel bad because I should know better, but I don't and I guess that's my cross to bare. We're all flawed and we all suffer. And I guess me talking about myself makes me selfish. I feel that way. I have no clue where all these fears and doubts came from. I am so constantly stuck in a state of self evaluation and criticism that I can't even be myself unless I'm alone. I'm always looking at myself through other people's eyes and I HATE what I see. I hate it ! Both physically and spiritually. I try to be good, I try to be a good person but the worst always comes out. Thankfully no one's around to see it. But, sadly those are the times when I need to reach out and instead I reach elsewhere. God, I suck. I hate this. I hate this so much. The very fact that I wanna delete this means I must be doing something right. I must be able purge this sin and this feeling of disgust. We all have our cross to bare. We all have our cross to bare. We all have our cross to bare. Some of those crosses are heavier than others, but I like to think we're all here to help carry each other's crosses. Funny thing, I don't wanna give mine up and I don't wanna force anyone to help. And every time I ask, I feel that's what I'm doing. And I don't like being a burden. I wish I knew where all this self-hatred and pity came from ? I really do. Maybe if I found out I could be stronger. GAH ! I hate this so much. I hate it because I always locked in my own world, because god forbid I join the real world and I see just exactly how much I matter. I talk on and on about my own work because that's one of the few things I'm extremely proud of. All the things have created. I feel no greater joy than creating, as painful as it his to my hands and as time consuming as it is, it's a rare moment where I am really and truly happy. Because in that respect I matter. Those things I created would be nothing without me. In a strange way they complete me. Is that feeling even possible with another person ? Ironically I get along with myself so much I hate myself. It's funny when you think about it. Every character I create is just a little water drop of my personality and when you look at it like ... I'm sorry, theres a day gap between this. My brother waked in while I was writing and I couldn't let him see this, so I had to continue today. Today being Sunday. I missed Church today, I feel bad about that, I prayed on it. But I think there's something else I need to do and I'm not sure what that something is. Monday I plan on taking care of business, and getting a few things set straight, wish me luck. Meh, I just feel down for some reason and I can't figure out why. I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm reminded by everything just how small on the totem pole I actually am. I don't know. I honestly don't. So much is changing for everyone and yet everything is pretty much the same for me. Paranoid, sad and lonely. And I'm so used to being that I have no clue how to be anything else. I have an issue with people touching my backpack. I'm anal about my backpack because when I was in 2nd grade this kindergarten kid came up to me and accused me of stealing his backpack, I suppose my backpack looked like his, I don't know. I tried to reason with the kid but he punched me in my stomach, stole my backpack and ran off. Never saw the kid or my backpack again. Why did I bring that up ? brought it up just to show you how much of a coward I really am. I was in 2nd grade and kindergarten kid managed to intimidate me, beat me and take full advantage of me. And I didn't do a damn thing to stop him. I didn't struggle, I didn't fight back, I did nothing but watch him run off with my things. I have the urge to cry, but if I did I'd only be crying for the fact that I generally feel like I lost the very thing that makes me a man. I have friend who keeps asking me "Why are you single, you're obviously a great guy." And for the life of me I'm having the hardest time believing that. Men are in control, and the only time I'm ever in control is when I'm in my own world. Out side of that I'm just this small insect desperately clinging to life anyway he can. All my life I have tried to be peaceful and maintain a certain respect towards my fellow Human beings but all they've ever done was take advantage of me. I offer my heart and they cut it up, I offer my respect and they spit in my face, I try to be peaceful and they attack me. I have tried to be a man and defend myself when I should have but my defense was always weak and it sounded more like the cry of some wounded animal. I have never been able to declare my manhood. I keep raising the issue of manhood because it's something I feel I am missing. The confidence, the physical supremacy. I have never had any of it. I've givin' those attributes to the things I have created in hope that through them I can discover who I really am. I'm not sure. It's the strangest thing. I know that I am Man but I don't feel like one. I don't feel like a woman either. No, I'm not confused on my gender. No gender confusion at all. I'm just saying that I still feel like I'm 13. I still feel like that little boy who got his backpack stolen. I still feel like that kid who can't defend himself. I still feel that way after all these years ! I still feel like a child, a child among men. I watch the way other men act. I am nothing like that. I was at a House Party with one of the actors from "Julius X". And he took notices of my disdain for close contact dancing. He then questioned my sexuality only because I wouldn't allow this chick named Ebony or this chick named Tiffany to grind on me. In my defense I'm not all thrilled about grinding. And I didn't find Ebony or Tiffany attractive at all and having them "grind" on me would only remind me of what I already lack and personally I'd rather avoid it. But instead of explaining that to Walter (the host of the party) I simply decided to remain in the corner of the party. But I have always been able to enjoy a party when I'm not involved. I get my fun from watching others have fun. But still, it's these things that makes me angry at other people. I express my difference to them and they suddenly think I'm committing some great injustice. I tell people I don't drink and they look at me as if I have the fuckin' plague. I tell people I'm a virgin, and that's a horrible thing to be in this society. I tell people I don't smoke, and suddenly I'm no longer cool. I tell people I've never been in a fight and I'm the bad guy. But maybe this is the source of my sadistic hilarity. You see when Jerks die in movies, I laugh. I love it. I eat it up. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing someone get their just deserves. I laugh. That sounds awful and on some level I know it is really awful, but I can't help it. That's not a good thing. Another thing is my obsession with the bad guys. Only because they're everything I'm not. They're mean, honesty and won't let anyone or anything stand in their way. Aside from the fact that they're evil, I could use some of that. Meh, I don't know tomorrow's another day. Maybe I'll feel better then. Thanks for reading everyone. Love you guys. God bless. Good day and good night. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: "Sickened" by. DISTURBED!!! (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 30th, 2007
8:25 pm	Desperation An't Just A Ringtone On Your Cellphone, Babe... Ya know, the interesting thing about us as people is that we are all so different and yet so much the same. We all have come in contact with the same feelings every now and again. Some move on from these feelings and decide to gain a positive effect from them, others use them as an excuse to retreat. Me, I've been using them as an excuse to retreat. I've allowed fear to control me. Fear is such a funny thing, it's irrational at times but it's such an overwhelming feeling, it's such a beast that you have no choice but to submit to it. Insecurity kills. Fear kills. Where do we get these shackles from ? Where ? The fear comes from ourselves, our logic, our own doubt, our own inability to fathom our own ability. We constantly tell ourselves what we can't do instead of telling ourselves what we can do. I mean but if you look at all the GOOD things Humanity has done, we can kinda get a gauge that when we abandon fear we can actually do some good. We all have to fight through the crap. I remember a day a few days after I beat Xenosaga Episode I. I decided to play Zelda 64 and when I got to a hard spot in the game, I looked at the game and I said "Hey, I beat Xenosaga bitch, I can do anything !" and I fought my way through. As comical as that may sound, that's an attitude we should have when we get to hard spots. I mean, I myself have done far too much to let something has trivial as fear stop me ! I completed a short film, I have made plans to finish one in August, I achieved my dream of owning a laptop, I just finished one of the greatest AMV's I've ever made, I have not one but over 27 hard written, hand drawn graphic novels, I have 3 unreleased albums of synth music, I have an unlimited catalog of ideas for movies every second, I am an extremely skilled artist and I owe all of that to God and myself. He gave me the tools and I built with them ! And yet for some reason I am not happy about me. I'm not happy about me because I consider myself ugly, undesirable, however you wanna put it. I mean granted I still loathe my hair and my mustache (which I shaved, THANK GOD !) but enough is enough. I wasn't put on this Earth to feel sorry for myself DAMNIT ! God made Eugene Maurice Session to create and as God as my witness and all those reading this that's exactly what I'm gonna do ! I mean I feel like a real grade A moron sitting here day after day walloying in my own self-pity instead of taking a look at what these two hands have done and what this brain conjured up. I mean I feel generally awesome. I'm distracted right now for some reason...I guess it's because I found out Brain Sapient doesn't exist ! Lol. Current Music: "Solsbury Hill" by. Peter Gabriel (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 28th, 2007
7:40 pm	Asisted Suicide Is At An All Time Low, And For Some Reason Dr. Frankenstien Ain't Happy About It... Funny thing, I really don't where to start. I'm honestly trying to think positive and in some respects I've managed to get that part down and yet theres still this nagging feeling of anger and saddness. I'll tell you about where that comes from a little later...maybe never...not sure exactly. I've been keeping busy mostly reading comicbooks, but I gotta take a break because I'm spending WAY too much money, I finished an AMV (anime music video) on Tuesday, it's one of my greatest works, I'm extremely proud of it, proud enough to enter it into a contest (wish me luck). I'd start on the next one but quite frankly anyone who's made an AMV will tell you those things are a bitch to do. Anyways I just been basically biting my hands trying to figure out what exactly to do with myself. Hours at work are going down, and I gotta re-do some paperwork (which I did) and I basically gotta turn all that in..drug test, blah, blah, blah and then I'm back to work, and the summer schedule of television is set up like a Midevial Torture device (lol) no seriously it sucks major ass. I've been basically (I'm saying basically a lot for some reason)bouncing off the walls trying not to go insane which is very hard for me, mostly because when all you have is yourself to talk to...you kinda forget how to talk to other people. Which is why I keep the TV on...it's a good silence filler. Things aren't in a bad place, they're not a good place either. They're kinda stationary. Things'll heat up in August when I get the proper funds to start shooting a shot film that I've already written. So thankfully this bordem streak won't last very long. Summers are always hard for me because of the heat, the lack of sleep, the lack of work...on my graphic novels I mean (my hands get all sweaty and they stick to the paper and it makes the paper wet). So I generally go insane over the summer if I don't have anything to do. Last summer I busyed myself watching The Second Season of "Lost" on DVD. I don't exactly know how I'm going to survive this summer. I don't know it just seems everytime I turn around people are happy. Funniest thing it seems that when everyone else is happy, I'm miserable and when everyone else is miserable, I'm happy. No, seriously look at the journal entries in conjunction with yours. It's true. It seems like everyone feels as if there's something wrong with me. I've never been an outdoors kinda person. I mean sure back when I was little and playing tag was fashionable, but I've always been a more secluded type. Yeah, true and so far this behavior has not made or broke me in anyway. BUT, this will injure me down the line. Very much so. I mean that those in isolation usually do not escape it. I didn't mean for that to sound philsophical. I'm just saying that after being alone for so long I'm not sure I know how to be anything else. They say that animals can smell fear. Out of all the things that can smell fear I think you can add women to the list. For some bizarre reason I've always had a fear of women. A friend of mine jokingly said that if you wanna get over your fear of talking to hot chicks, go to a strip club. Because if you can master talking to a naked hot chick without flipping out that she's naked then you can master talking to any chick. While I'm not making plans on going to a strip club any time soon there is much truth to what my friend said. There's always a way to desensitise yourself to fear. Some people break down what they're afraid of into a science so they understand it, others bombard themselves in there fears to the point where it means nothing and some just don't allow it to contro them, at all. I think I might have succumbed to mine. I mean let's face it I am an arachnophobic, I have no clue how that started. So many irrational fears, why ? Why all the fear ? What is it that we fear ? Fuck asking we, what is it that I fear ? Rejection, the feeling of failure, saddness, loneliness ? Hell yeah ! I fear it. I fear it like the rather of God Almighty ! But why ? There are so many people who are immune to rejection, and failure and saddness and loneliness, what makes me an exception ? Maybe because I don't have much experience with rejection. I mean as much as I fear it, I've only been rejected...twice I do believe. Well, once I didn't actually say anything and the second time well...the less said the better. But I haven't actually put myself out there. Or maybe I have, I mean let's look at the mechanics of asking someone out. I mean you basically (there's that word again) gotta put your feelings out there. I mean to tell another person that you actually want to see them more often under different circumstances and hopefully have them not laugh their ass off when you say that to them. You know I'm being a little extreme, but people can be undeniably cruel when someone is asking someone them out. I mean...well I don't have to illustrate my point but you get the idea. I've always been the fall in love type ya know. I always have to fall in love with a person before I make my move. I've never been one for happenstance, ya know the type of love that just happens over time when Person X meets Person Y between friends and eventually realize they have a lot in common and then end up dating. No, I don't exactly see how that works. I watch a person, the way they talk, they way they handle certain situations and at first it starts off as interest. I become curious about that person. Eventually that curiosity snowballs into a sensation in which I find myself wondering about Person X when they're not around and eventually I say to myself, "Oh my God, I'm in love with Person X." I have no clue why I explained that. I honestly don't. Hm, maybe I should seriously pick a topic and stick with it before I start writing these ya know, just to keep myself from going off on these mad tangents. Umm, anyways that's all I can think of saying. Don't ask about the title, it just sounds very cool to me for some reason. Thanks for reading. God bless you all. Thanks again. Current Mood: listless Current Music: "The Killing Lights" by. afi (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 24th, 2007
4:46 am	I'm not the guy you remember, I'm the guy I forgot... I'm kinda in a funky mood. Don't ask me why. I'm not in a bad mood, No, this isn't one of those Eugene is bitching entries...although I might start bitching later on in this entry but at least not in the intro. I've been trying to realize things about myself, I realize that I am TOO self aware. This is one of the main reasons I don't like hanging out. It's because of this problem. I am too self aware. What does that mean ? Well have you ever caught your reflection in a mirror while doing something utterly stupid and said to yourself "Wow, is that how I look to people ?". I have that feeling ALL THE TIME ! I didn't while I was in school, but outta school, I feel like that ALL THE TIME ! EVERDAY, EVERY SECOND, EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR, I am fully aware of how I look when I'm hanging out with people. So to avoid this feeling I choose to say very little, do very little and try to limit myself to only so many words. I became of aware of this behavior when I was hanging out with Rachel and Alex, although don't get me wrong, I had a fairly decent time. And I say fairly decent only because at that moment where I finally hung out with them was exactly when I realized that I'm hanging out with two chick and I'm not dating either of them...that kinda made me a little self concscience...and that's when I became aware of my external appearance. This isn't an issue for those of you who consider themselves attractive, me. I'm not gonna lie to you, when I don't have any hair on my head, chin and upper lip I'm pretty damn hot. But with a head full of hair, mustche (Which I fuckin' hate more than Joss Whedon, and we all know how I feel about Joss Whedon) and my gottee, which can really go either way, I look like crap. It's kinda funny, I'm starting to sound like a teenage girl (lol, that wasn't funny). No but honestly I've never been 100% okay with my external appearance. NEVER. Not at all. So I avoid looking into mirrors and any reflective surface, just to stave off the shock of actually looking at myself physically. I can't stand it. I mean as long as I'm not looking at myself I can imagine anything I want, but when I actually see it then the illusion's gone and I have to face reality. And for all of you who know reality, She's a real bitch sometimes. So, what better way to avoid this feeling by not being around others ? Yeah, so that's one of the reasons why I don't hanging out. Out of fear of looking stupid. Yes, I have a fear of embarassing myself. Which actually keeps me from doing ALOT of things. I don't know, a certain level of self awareness is okay, especially if you like yourself. But me, I'm still not sure how to react to me...PHYSICALLY. I guess I'm okay with myself mentally and spiritually, but phsyically. NOT AT ALL. I mean I have the voice of a 13 white girl, I have very little upper body strength, my scalp is so dry it's embarassing to get a hair cut, and I CANNOT FUCKIN' STAND this mustache ! I swear if it wasn't for my large wang (yeah, when God closes a door He opens a window and He opened a friggin' balcony with me...not kidding...any reason to brag, lol) I'd totally hate myself. I'm utterly serious. I don't know why I've never been 100% okay with my appearance. I'm sure it something to do with opposite sex. I love women to death and trust me if there was no God, I'd worship women. In all honesty, but sometimes they just screw you up. No lie ladies, you guys can cause a man to do some pretty insane things. No lie. Every great man in the anals of time did what he did for a women. I don't care which way you slice it. Kang The Caveman discovered fire and he had chick huddled around him every night...well until they all burnt to death (lol). Alexander conquered the known world probably to impress some guy (who was his girl because let's face it Alexander the great was a flamer,lol), The Taja Mah Hall was built in the name of a woman. You guys need to realize just exactly how much power you have over us. I mean seriously, if a chick is laughing at a guy and not laughing with him, trust me That guy feels like SHIT ! Or maybe that's just me...Hm. Maybe I'm overly empathetic to the whole situation because of this self-awareness thing. I utterly hate that feeling. I really do. I always entertain the thought of anonymity because it's such a cool thing. Masks, Masks, I love masks. Because you can be anyone you want and no one knows it's you. And I don't me a ski mask or something dinky like that, I'm talking full on cape and cowl, Masquerade type stuff. I love it. Anything to make me not feel like myself. Honestly, anything. Because I've seen myself and I can see myself doing certain things. I can't see Eugene with a girlfriend. I can't see Eugene making out with someone. I can't see Eugene dancing. I can't see Eugene singing. I can't see Eugene doing anything. So that's exactly what Eugene does, NOTHING. Nothing at all. Because I know exactly how I look doing all those things and it just does not add up. And when it does it doesn't make sense. I loathe the sound of my voice. When I'm speaking I can't hear it, but God forbid if someone recorded it and played it...God forbid while I'm singing. I honestly would stop singing. I hate my voice, I can not and will not listen to myself talk. NEVER. No. Not happening. Wow, I kinda hate a lot of things about me. I get a lot of compliments on my eyes. So I guess I like them. I never really look at them. Mostly because they say the eyes are the gate way to the soul and frankly I'm a little afraid of what I might find...no seriously. It's funny who self aware insecure people are isn't it ? Masochistic hilarity. The only way to survive. The reason I'm saying all of this is because I'm trying to get people to finally understand what goes in this insane little head of mind so HOPEFULLY I can get some help with understanding why I feel these thing and hopefully stop feeling them. I'm a scientist so in order for me to figure out how to stop this feeling I must know how it began, but my memory is so bad I can't honestly remember so...I'm pretty screwed. I have more to say but frankly I have to go to Church today and if you've had the morning I've had you're going to need it. Wish me luck. I love you all as always. Rachel I'm sorry I was such a downer Friday, I honestly did have a good time, I just gotta learn to get over myself and be in the moment. Sorry again. Love you, honestly. Thanks for reading everyone, love you all. Thanks. God bless. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: "Thanks For The Memories" by. Fall Out Boy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 21st, 2007
8:57 pm	Love is not a reason to kill, but it's a damn good M.O. Hello, hello my duckies, it's me again. Your Humble Narrator, for some reason in a chipper mood. Chipper hm, can I say that ? Is that a word ? Oh well, Chipper it is. Yes, a rather chipper mood. I'm just trying to get all my frustrations off my chest as easily as I can without exploding or going completely mad (lol), and for the most part I guess I can. In the words of a good friend of mine, "Sometimes we all just have to look at that positive." and that's what I'm choosing to do. To look at the positive. And in order to look at the positive I just have to voice the negative. Simply because I'm not use to saying I'm sad and here's why. I just ignore it and then I end up more sad then I was to begin with. I'm trying to end that by posting these entries. In hopes that it can clear up a good 80% of my anger. So, let's dive in shall we ? I'm lonely...well no shit Eugene, you've said that in just about every entry you've ever written, get over it ! Ha ha, here's the gotcha, easier said than done. Am I right ? I mean people just don't up and run into each other and then about oh, say 3 days later they're two peas in a pod. Oh no, fuck that. There's a whole ceremony and what not before you even get that close. Now I'm a Scientist, so I'm always trying to figure out how to get from A to Z. And yet for the life of me that just doesn't add up...the meeting people part. I can't get it for the life of me. By that I mean...I don't know, it's just very interesting to see how things begin. Relationships in general, I who said what first, who called who, who said who liked who first, who decided on the first date, who kissed who first, How'd who meet who. These are questions that are variabled. And yes, I know I am OVER thinking this. I over think alot, it's a habit...but a delightful one I've always enjoyed...to a certain extent. But as I was saying, the journey from point A to point Z is a long one, or it could be a short one depending on the people. I mean really, it's a complete quandry to me. Now, the reason why this is something I ponder often is because I'm not exactly sure I am able to get from A to Z. I guess it's one of those things that are just natural...but then again I've never been a guy to follow the natural order of things, well most things. I enjoy studying relationships mostly because I see some of the people who have them and I'm like "Well if such and such can do then why the fuck am I having such a hard fuckin' time ?". It's kinda like that episode of "Frasier" one of my favorite episodes in fact where Frasier and Family go to a ski cabin and Daphne brings a long a friend, there's also a Gay Ski instructor. So anyways Daphne's friend likes Niles, The ski instructor likes Niles, Niles like Daphne, Frasier liked Daphne's friend and in the midst of all the hormons and what not, no one wanted Frasier. I find myself in that situation often and in order to keep from going nuts you just gotta get into the masochistic hilarity of it. It just that. Masochistic hilarity it keeps us together. Or better yet it keeps me together. But I find myself doing that often. I don't know I guess it's just curiosity as to who I'll end up with if I end up with anyone at all. I don't know, try as I might I can't honestly see myself with anyone. And I'm not saying that to illustrate how much of a loser I think I am, I'm saying that because I honestly can't. A comedian once said that if you're single for too long you eventually pick up habits that keep you single. That makes perfect sense to me. I'm pretty sure I've picked up most of the habits, a good example of those habits would be staying at home. Well granted I'm not driving yet but when I do I doubt I'll be here. And the only reason I'm here is because I have no real desire to go anywhere else...as lame as that sounds, I honestly don't. Anyways, entry over. Once again thank you all for reading. Luv you guys and God bless you all. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "Solsbury Hill" by. Peter Gabriel (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
8:46 pm	To wait, listen, and learn *MUST READ* HUZZA ! Your Humble Narrator is back and for the first time in a long time I'm actually in a good mood. A good enough mood to deal with all the gloom and glum I've been dealing with. I'm fighting my way outta the fog kiddies ! THAT'S RIGHT ! I'm putting up both fists and punching this mood I've been in lately. But first, allow me to explain myself, if possible at all. I've always been a guy who's afraid to say certain things outta the fear of the fall out. Well allow me to back up, I mindfuck myself alot mostly because I dwell on the negative and neglect to look at the positive of what's going on, and when dwelling on the negative that leads to...well, bad things. Although I'm not gonna bring up what I was dwelling over...mostly because those feelings have been placed into an area in which I can observe them objectively I will tell you with all honesty that, THE CRISIS HAS BEEN AVERTED. For all of you at home wondering, What had The Great King Of The Universe Eugene a.k.a Ugo Strange down so much, I'll say it. I had this fear that...and needless to say this gonna sound awful when I say this...I had this fear that I could no longer find Black Women attractive(Halley Berry, Beyonce, Janet Jackson...none of them...yes I know Shocking isn't it?). The more investigating I did in this matter the more I found it to be...true. To a certain extent. Well this rasied an issue for me, being Black myself...I felt like a traitor to my own people, my own race. And it's bad enough that society has already conditioned us into hating ourselves, Middleschool did nothing but illustrate my point as I constantly biraded for the why I talk, walk, act, listen to and so on so forth. In Middleschool I was surrounded by nothing but Black people. The Stereotypical kind. But that early exposure to them somewhat soiled my opinion of my own people. Mostly because I did not AT ALL fit in with any of them. In the beginning I did find a Black women attractive back then, the first girl I fell in love with Black...needless to say this was the kickstart of all my residual hostility towards Black Women. As I was ridiculed, needlessly I might add, for admitting to her my feelings. And the fact that it was me, just made matters worse. Then something happened. I went to High school, the dynamic changed and I was surrounded by people who were into some of the same stuff I was. I was with people who were just as weird if not weirder than me. It was awesome. I wasn't ridiculed for the way I talked, walked, acted or anything ! It was Heaven. I felt like I have finally shed that feeling of not belonging, and I did. But for some strange reason I have never felt 100% secure with myself around Black people. I guess it's just that residual feeling of not belonging that I feel. And I feel even more apprehensive when it's Black women. The reason why this screwed with me so much is that I felt like a traitor, that's one color I do not want, second I felt as though I was giving into the societial point of view that Everyone who isn't Black is better, third I felt as though I should really care about these things mostly because we are all people and we should think and act accordingly, fourth I knew that was NEVER going to happen. So I had to deal with this feeling of self hatred all on my own. And if you know anything, ANYTHING at all about Black Women, they hate, HATE with every fiber of their being a Black Man who has turned on his own people, or a Black man dating a White Women. And you'd think with it happening so much on TV that people would finally be okay with it. Yeah, They're not. Nor will they ever be. And if you've ever heard my Mom talk about Tiger Woods, and Cuba Gooding jr. and Wesley Snipes, and Ving Rhames and so on so forth, you'll understand my feelings of not wanting these feelings I had to become public. Personally I hate to get into the issues of race because it's always a touchy subject and no one likes to talk about it at all, mostly because everyone has been programed to feel a certain way when certain things have been said. Now, I'm not gonna complain about the White Man and so on so forth, and White Man did this and that and blah, blah, blah. I'm over that. But will however talk about the covert racism that is a occuring. And by this I mean the constant stream of images we're lead to believe. The form of what's cool and what isn't cool that we follow. The stereotypes of "Acting White" and "Acting Black" that we use, but never define. And that fact that I'm pretty sure more than One White Girl has heard her father say to her "Don't date a Black Guy." Anyone looking from the outside can tell that we (Black People) get the short end of the stick. It's been that way for at least a good 200 years. And a few years prior to slavery. And we continue to get the short end of the stick, BUT the issue is we are accepting this. We choose to hate each other and when one of us is doing something outside the circle of the rest, we suddenly exclude them and say they're "Actin' White" or they're not a real Homey, or He forgot he's Black. And this sickens me to NO END because we should be better than this. God made us all EQUAL ! EQUAL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ! EQUAL ! No one's better than no one. And yet we choose to think on the bases of the world and not on the bases of what God intended. We Black People need to shed these lables of Black,White and so on so forth so we can finally move forward ! Else we're just gonna be forced to become that which we hate, prejudice. And that's the sad part. Thankfully I see this issue clearly now. It's just getting harder and harder to look at things from an angle of objectivity. From a view that we should all be humans and act accordingly. But society constantly holds us from these standards and these views and we are locked in a never ending battle of The Past, and it's awful. This was the source of most of my saddness, most of my anger and most of my frustration. I was angry at myself, at society and at well...everyone in general for not seeing things that way. But thankfully after a long look at myself I finally can rest easy for the time being. I mean, granted the issue isn't resolved 100% but at least it is no longer causing me such mental anguish as it was in the past. Anyways I hope this clears up the way I've been acting and sounding. I'm a bit of a Misery Whore (lol). I'm so used to being Angry and Sad and what not I haven't actually been anything else. But I'm working on that. I love you guys with all my heart and whatever else I have left to give. Thank you all and may God bless you once and a million times after that. Thank you for reading. ______________________________________________________________________________________________ "Obviously my best strategy is to wait, listen, and learn." -The Silver Surfer, contemplating how to deal with Thanos, in Issue # 35 "The Name is Thanos", written by Jim Starlin Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: "Chase" by. Yuki Hajiura (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 18th, 2007
9:53 pm	for those of you who know me, you may know i've never been the kinda guy to come right out and say things. hell, everytime I did it's caused me nothing but pain and heartache. so i prefer to just keep my actual feelings or at least the really strong one to myself. i'm learning now that this isn't an exactly healthy practice as it has made me cowarD and generally an extremely angry person. granted i have my moments where i am cOntent, but for the most part certaiN feelings and issues keep coming back That i fear are just too big for me to handle aLone. I constantly remain enigmatic on the subject only because if i say it out loud i'm gonna have to face it and i don't want to only because it's just too scary. what can be so scary that can not be said out loud? it's not what's being said, it's the truth in it. if such a statement weren't true i could easily say it in jest, but since it is i can not even begin to express my level anger and rage towards myself. the Knowledge that i'm thinking is alrEady screwing up my thoughts, But then to say it out loud i'd actuaLly have to fAce it. i don't want to. but i Can't accept this denial, if i honestly feel this way then there's no getting around it is there? after all this is my feelings and if i can't trust my feelings then what can i trust? but the fall out of this statement will ultimately make me a traitor. i blame middle school, blame several people, but i have no one to blame but me for allowing it to happen. conditioning is something so awful and so easy to do that already i fear it has occured. i've told myself lie after lie but I can't Keep lying. i just have to say it and hope that once i face it i can learn that it's not true. and if it is i guess i'm just gonna have to deal with that anyWay i can...if i can at all. the Only reason i bite my tounge so Much is because i fEar what may happeN, and i know that almost none of you will understand but...well, we all have our crosses...then again this isn't mine...or is it? confusion. oh well. i guess i can end this entry now, knowing maybe someone will hear what i'm not saying. and trust me, i feel awful for saying it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: None (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 15th, 2007
6:15 am	Intricate thoughts and puzzles... Something is wrong with me, something is so very, very wrong with me. One of the many things I hate about the Summer, aside from the mind blowing heat is the length of time. Days seem to last so much longer and if you're not busy or do anything, time can kill. Call it cabin fever, or stir craziness or whatever the fuck, but I have been going nuts day in and day out. I started an entry awhile ago...but I had no exact clue as to where it was going or what I was trying to say. But after sleeping on it...in actuality I didn't actually sleep...in fact I've been up all night tonight. I can't get comfortable but thankfully having the time to lay my head down and stop moving for a hours actually did some good as it gave me time to sort out a few of my feelings. Not the large disturbing ones, more of the small ones that lead up to the big ones. If you let yourself be controled by those issues it can lead you to do a bad things, some people abuse alcohol, drugs, others cut themselves which eventually lead to...well you know, thankfully I haven't done anything that durastic, I don't care at all for alcohol, haven't the money for drugs not that I would do them if I had the money, WAY too much of a wuss to actually cut myself or commit suicide. But just because I have no scars or bruses doesn't mean I'm not doing anything bad. We all have our own forms of self punishment. Some are a lot more obvious than others. Why do we punish ourselves ? Well, actually we deserve it. I mean look at humanity, we basically suck. But that's more of a philosophical topic and I'm not on that right now. We punish ourselves for what we lack, missed out on, had and lost, things like that. Christians say that Satan doesn't attack his followers. Satan does not attack his followers. You know what that means ? Satan doesn't want an Athiest or a Satan Worshiper. He already has them. He wants one of God's people. You might be wondering to yourself, what does Satan have to do with this ? Well, I'm saying that the very second one of God's people has their lives in a good place, Satan will swoop in there and do everything if his power to make you trip. And quite frankly I've fallen on my ass so many times I can't even come up with something clever to compare it to (lol). That's actually not funny. Things have been in a good place, externally. But internally there's so much confusion and agression and other things that I have yet to identify, all because so are just too scary to face. I keep saying that, but honestly none of you would understand. And I say that full well knowing that I might possibly offend you, but I could care less. This problem is better left unsaid, because either one of two things would happen. A) You'd probably see nothing wrong with it, and trust me there is something VERY wrong with it or B) Not fully understand what I'm saying. From the sound of it, it sounds like a pretty big problem. Actually it's a bigger problem than I expected...mostly because of the fall out. Conditioning is a fuckin' bitch! I blame Middle school. That was a personal note, you're not meant to understand that right away. But don't refute me on my claim. In all honesty, Hand to God, the Bible and whatever other sacred document you can conjure up for me to swear by, I wish I could share this issue and at times I almost did, but I know the very second I say it out loud I'm gonna have to deal with it and I for the life of me DO NOT want to. Because that would actually reveal to me just exactly how much I am not worth the blood pumping in my veins, it'll reveal exactly how evil and how sick humanity has mad me. And personally I'd like to believe that I'm not as bad as I could be, even though on some level I could be wrong...and that scares me...more than anything. Taking an honest look at yourself requires some huge amount of stability and confidence, this maybe the reason why I'm always amused at the notion of being someone else. Because you never know who you are until you're someone else. But again that's more of a philosophical topic and I'm not on that right now. I hate to be such a doomsayer, but I've had this fear for such a long time but I don't know what do with it. This isn't something you just go blabing to someone, this is life altering shit. And I hate myself each and everytime I get the thoughts that I get, everytime I fear it maybe true, everytime I find myself thinking it, I actually hate myself. And too make matters worse this issue is entirely unprecidented and is actually a problem that stems from another problem and will cause an even bigger problem in the future. I've been reaching out to someone, quite possibly the only person who might understand where I'm coming from, and quite frankly the only reason I say this is because she's been through so much herself she could probably put what I'm thinking into some form of logic. But everytime I call her she's been busy. I don't blame her. And I hold nothing against her. I'm not gonna name any names, she knows who she is. (Hi!) I guess that's the reason why we have different types of friends. Each one will eventually become useful to you in one way or another. That came out all wrong, it made it sound as if I was comparing friends to some form of device. But as heartless as that statement sounds, it's true. We all have friends who have a different purpose to us. We have the Friend we can talk to, The Friend we can just kick back with, The Friend who can always talk us into doing something crazy, The Friend who keeps us grounded, but regardless they all have your back. If I ever get this fear off my chest, I hope and pray to God almighty that they still have my back once all this is done. I love you guys a million times over and a million times after that. Thanks for reading, may God bless you all. Thanks again. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: "Remind Me" by. Royksopp (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 11th, 2007
5:13 pm	Abandoned Locked all alone in a doungeon I built to harbor Demons Reeling, seeking, falling, fading Sickened by the sound of my own discomfort as I reach out to embrace you Hating, loving, laughing, crying So much confliction All I need is to remove this affliction I am not this guy who's before my eyes Lonely, needing, heeding, hearing Calling out for life and recieving death I am not this guy who's before my eyes A pathetic shell without a soul Trapped in a hull of tortured souls Needing, calling, crying, screaming Laughing at the sound of my own misfortune as I discard my judgement Raging, Judging, loving, hating So much confusion All I need is to remove this illusion I am not this guy who's before my eyes Lonely, needing, heeding, hearing Calling out for life and recieving death I am not this guy who's before my eyes A pathetic shell without a soul Now would be the perfect time to shout it out while it's in it's prime I have forsaken all that I know Given into demons, No ! It's not you who's left me I have ABANDONED YOU ! I'm so sorry ! I'm so sorry ! Give me another chance to savior this Give me another chance to refuse this MY SAVIOR ! ABANDON ME NOT ! Current Mood: angry Current Music: "Remember" by. DISTURBED!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)