7:13 am

And I can't sleep. Obviously stress related. Which is funny because I'm 20, what the fuck do I have to be stressed about ? Actually it's just taking everything way too seriously and letting everything get to me, and it's the obvious reasons of course...my heart is in Arizona...sorry,I had a fleeting moment that this entry wasn't worth writing. You see my glasses broke yesterday, so I'm using 1/2 half of my glasses and I wrapped a tie around my Right eye so the screen of my computer won't mess with my vision as much. The ironic thing here is that I can only see out of my left eye and the right side of my headphones is the only side that works. So I can see outta my left and hear outta my right....poetic isn't it ?and now my eye is itching, geez I was hoping I could get this outta me with little or no error but that is proving insanely difficult to do. But on the plus side my typing is a lot more smoother seeing as how I'm only looking at the keys while writing this and not the screen...it helps me see which buttons I need a lot better...not that I can typing looking at the screen only it's just...I don't know. I barely have a coherent thought in my head at the moment. Hell, I barely have a coherent thought at all really...it's all just a cesspool of self-loathing a personal confusion in which it's getting harder and harder to unravel. So what meaningless thought is keeping me up this time ?...a lot of things really...the future, me, and of course, my one and only Amanda. According to a friend of mine named Angel, I should open up to Amanda...not really sure what that means but I guess it means I should tell her more about myself...I made an attempt to do that yesterday and the day before. The day Before I texted her and told her to call me when she got off work...which she did, but low and behold my phone had to be a fuckin' asshole and lose MY FUCKIN' SIGNAL ! So I didn't know she called me until after I got her voice message which was 20 minutes AFTER SHE CALLED !

I wanted to call her back but she was already on the phone with a friend of her's and didn't wish to interrupt her conversation...because I'm that kind of a guy.

Yesterday I asked her if we could try it again, she was home all day, so...I figured when she was done doing what she had to do she'd call me and I can finally let her know who I am....
she didn't call me.

I feel like a fuckin' moron. I mean shit happens right ? If this was anyone else I'd just be saying "Ah, maybe they forget." or "Maybe they were busy." But with Amanda, nope, it's always the same thing "Oh shiy, she found someone better....Fuck !" or "Oh shit, she thinks I'm a total goober...FUCK !" or "Oh shit, she doesn't like me anymore...FUCK !".

Frankly I don't see how any guy can have a girlfriend without tearing out his own intestines and eating them. This drive me purely insane. Any other guy wouldn't have this problem...but me...lol...I'm obviously not like any other guy. Damnit ! The screen is hurting my eyes, but I really wanna get this outta me. Guess I have to wait until I get some new glasses. How funny that I have no clue who covers my eye via Health Care. Who the fuck invited health care anyways ? I mean seriously you'd have to be a HUGE asshole to actually charge people for being sick. That's basically what it is. Money fucks up everything. Fuck you Christopher Hitchens...Religion poisons everything...you're a fuckin' moron. It's Money ! Money is a creation of pure evil !
Seriously.

I'm sorry I'm just annoyed...I really wanna type and yet my slight inability to see is annoying me to NO END, and the fact that I can barely keep a thought in my head for no more than 2 seconds is also driving me mad. But I don't wanna end this entry just yet...because I feel like there's something I haven't said that REALLY REALLY needs saying...I may know what that something is....but I don't wanna say it. Thinking about it makes me sick and if you're Kim or Genesis, then you know what I'm talking about...it's too easy. Being evil is way too easy.
I hate it and yet the temptation to use the knowledge I have is too great to ignore. Didn't I say I wasn't gonna say it ? Oh well I guess ignored that idea. I wish I could go to sleep but I can't...I'm not tired and I'm there's too much on my mind.

The Truth is scary isn't it ? This is something for us Christians to think about...The Truth. Hell... it depresses me sometimes. Is anyone actually thinking about that ? I mean...have you ever really thought about Hell ? Have you ever really thought about those going to Hell ? I have friend who are going. That sounds callous but it depresses me like crazy. It's depressing because I know that they will spend forever in eternal torment...that depresses me like crazy. It really does. I try not to dwell on it but every now and then the reality sets in and you're left with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and pity unlike anything you've ever felt. These are people I laughed with and joked with and bowled with and spent time with and ate lunch with, I ultimately know that they're doomed to Hell...and try as I might, there isn't much I can do to stop it. I pray for them. That's all I can do. Some will be saved some wont'...but either way it just makes me very sad. That's one of the things on my mind at the moment.

I'm really hungry right now. I wonder why that is...I can go to the kitchen and make myself a quick sandwich with the Ham my mom brought...but that's here Ham and I already made a sandwich yesterday and I don't wanna take all my Mom's Ham...but she didn't say I could have some...maybe I will make the sandwich and shut my stomach up... 7:51 am.... Hrm...just shows how long it takes me to form a thought.

Amanda I love you !

I have no clue why I wrote that...just had to get that outta me because that's the only thing I can think of aside from how hungry I am. Damn, I sound like a really bad episode of "One Tree Hill", isn't that great that no matter how bleak my entries are I never lose my sense of humor ?
I think that's rather endearing of me, I'll brb. I'm gonna go make that sandwich...

I'm back and I have a sandwich, I also cut the light on in my room and dimmed the computer scree, so actually things are working out sorta...I think my lip is gonna bleed again.
It's always the middle of my bottom lip. It just splits open sometimes. Sorry, I took a moment out of time again to read some Lostpedia, that's a wiki pedia section fully devoted to "Lost". I guess that means my feeling are finally coming to a nice slow boil right now and I can finally put the lid on...yep, I really did need that sandwich. Anyways I hope I can get some new glasses at like...Rite Aide or something. Here's me hoping. Laters everyone.